The Necessity Of Water

“Happy is he who is awakened by the cool song of the stream, by a real voice of living nature. Each new day for him has the quality of birth.”
Gaston Bachelard

The South Fork Rivanna River

The South Fork Rivanna River

I’ve always been drawn to the water. Living on Long Island as a kid I was at the beach almost every day during the summer months. My last home there was located on a high tide inlet where, despite my difficult teen years, the presence of the water helped with my constant anxiety. We had a small skimmer with an outboard motor, behind which I learned to waterski. We gathered clams, oysters, and mussels that thrived in the sand, or the rocks along the shore. My youngest brother, Reid, a born naturalist, constantly wore a life preserver before he could swim. He caught tiny crabs and any other creatures he found in tide pools. We filled a glass tank with salt water from the sound and populated it with starfish, barnacles, clams, snails, small fish, and a host of other creatures we caught in our own watery back yard.

When I moved to Vermont after I graduated from high school, I missed the salt air, but there were plenty of lakes, ponds, and streams to jump into. And later here in Virginia I would spend ten years living on the banks of the South Fork Rivanna River. My mother spent most of her last seven years living there with Bill and me. Watching the daily movements and moods of the river, the birds, beavers, and otters kept me from totally losing my mind as I tried to help make Mom’s life as painless as possible. I know it also helped her and Bill as well.

Getting out on the water in my kayak was always a blessing. Alone in the sunshine, I often just drifted along, taking deep breathes. Some mornings found me totally overwhelmed not knowing how to manage my own life while taking care of Mom. I’d simply sit in my tiny yellow boat, head bowed to my lap, crying. Back on land, I felt peaceful, and knew the steps I had to take in order to make things somewhat easier, at least for the moment.

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Last week I heard a fascinating interview with Wallace J. Nichols, author of Blue Mind: The Surprising Science That Shows How Being Near, In, On , or Underwater Can Make You Happier. He proves what I’ve always intuitively known about water, but always thought it was just me … that the activity of our brain actually changes when we are close to or on water. Just listening to waves crash to shore can be a cure-all.

I was reminded of the week I recently spent on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Bill and I stayed in a rental home directly on the sound where I watched a great blue heron fishing each morning. We saw magnificent sunsets in the evening and twice a day, I took my dogs, Sam and Max for an ocean side beach walk, where they explored and rolled in all of the luscious, smelly things that had washed up on the shore. There were no deadlines, no phone calls, no have-to-do-now-things to keep me from just letting go. Without any effort, I slipped into a completely relaxed mode. I took naps. I ate seafood. I read books, and sat on the shore watching the water. I wanted to stay there forever.

It had been several years since our last vacation by the sea and I’d been feeling a pressing need to get to the water where I knew I’d be able to let go and untangle my thoughts and feelings about what was happening in my life. When I returned home, I was a completely new person, full of energy and ready to jump back into life.

Now reading Nichols’ book, I know that being on the water is a basic necessity for everyone, even if it’s only for one day or an hour. Just as our bodies need to rest, we absolutely must allow our brains to switch channels and rest. Nichols shows that soaking in a tub, or swimming in a pool can do the same thing for the brain as the ocean.

We spent 9 months adrift and growing in our mothers’ watery wombs. Without it we wouldn’t be alive. If we don’t continuously hydrate our bodies, we die. Taking time  to be near or in the water is the natural thing to do. Without that we’ll certainly have a much more difficult life.

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I finished up this visual journal piece while I was at the beach and later posted it in my first newsletter. I had painted the pages before I left for the Outer Banks, not knowing that they were illustrating my overwhelming  need to be near the water.

How does water fit into your life?

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Exciting News About My Book

Yes, iIMG_1239t’s fall … my favorite time of year. The leaves are changing from green to bright yellow, gold, red, and orange, too. Yesterday on my walk, there was a a cool breeze out of the northwest. Leaves were dropping like a steady rain. It was magical.

So it seems appropriate to tell you that during this spectacular time of year, another spectacular event is now officially beginning to happen. My book, Me, Myself, and Mom, is officially on the road to being published and will be on bookshelves next September.

I’m publishing with She Writes Press and I couldn’t be happier.

From my first contact with this fairly young press, I’ve been impressed by the quality of the books they send out into the world, their award winning authors, and the help they provide for those like me who are technical dinosaurs.

One of their developmental editors, Annie Tucker, was a dream to work with. She respected what I was doing and never tried to make my manuscript into something it wasn’t. You don’t have to sign a publishing contract with SWP in order to hire one of their prize editors. The experience of working with a professional like Annie, gave me the confidence I needed to know that my book had a great chance where ever I decided to go with it.

In the beginning, I was thinking of self-publishing. But I’d already self-published one book in 1980, before it became the wave of the future. That book, about a way to use fleece directly from a sheep’s back to make rugs and other gorgeous items, was a huge success. But the end process of being a bookseller and taking care of all sales and shipping, was hard work. I had little time for anything else. When other back-to-the-landers, like myself, started getting older and the market began to cool, I let it go out of print.

I asked myself why I would want to take all that on again.

I figured this new book, a memoir, was something entirely different. I’m in my seventies now, I enjoy tending to all of my interests instead of just one. I want to travel. I want to spend time with my family. I want to work in the garden and cook. I want to make art and write much more than I already have.

I knew it could take the rest of my life to find a traditional agent and publisher that I wanted to work with. So the idea of working with a hybrid press like SWP, sounded just right for me. And my experience with Annie, convinced me that going with them was what I needed to do.

Two years ago, when I was still considering self-publishing, I made contact with a publicist at the Virginia Festival of the Book. She was on a panel with two other publicists giving a run down on what publicists do for writers. Between the three of them, I found, Caitlin Summie Hamilton, to be the most down to earth. She seemed like the real deal … open, honest, and approachable. After the panel discussion, I talked with her and later chatted with her on the phone about what she could do for me and what the costs looked like. I really liked her and promised myself that if I decided I wanted to work with a publicist, she would be the one.

Imagine my delight when I found Caitlin on SWP’s list of recommended publicists. I talked with her again last week, and she’s writing up a proposal for me.

I’ve also sent in material for my book cover and look forward to a chat next month with Brooke Warner and all of the other authors whose books will be published in the fall of 2016. I love the community of writers that SWP has created and look forward to getting to know them all.

To say that I’m excited would be an understatement. There were days when I never believed I’d get this far. There were times when I wanted to shred the manuscript and give up the idea of ever publishing this book.

Reliving what I was writing about was painful. But the idea of giving up and throwing it away wasn’t an option and I focused on the idea that this book just might help someone else going through a critical time in their life. I’d learned too much to just let it go and not share my story.

So I hung on. And look where I am today!

Have there been moments in your life when you wanted to trash an important project you were working on? What kept you moving toward the finish line?

Friendship And Related Tales

Sweet innocence. My Wedding Day, June 19, 1965. From left to right: Pann Drunegal, Joanne Goodrich,  Me.

Sweet innocence. My Wedding Day, June 19, 1965. From left to right: Pann Drunegal (Bill’s Goddaughter), Joanne Goodrich, Me.

When my friend and writing buddy, Janet Givens, posed interesting questions on her blog last week about first best friends, I thought, Oh, my God! I don’t think I had one. There’s something terribly wrong with me. Everyone I know has tons of best friends from their early life.

Take my husband, Bill. He has loads of old friends who he keeps in touch with on a regular basis. His school and college reunions are always a special time for him. I love watching those guys come together again after many years of being apart. With some it’s as if there has never been a long separation.

I also feel a great deal of envy on those occasions. I wish there was someone from 4th grade I could have a reunion with. Or maybe even from high school.

I remember two special friends from grammar school but our relationship didn’t last very long. The first was Sandra, who lived down the road. We walked a mile to school together. We were in 3rd grade and made clothes for our dolls out of scraps of cloth from her mother’s scrap basket. I really liked her and her mom, too. But then my parents discovered she was Jewish. That was the end of that. I never understood their reasoning.

Then there was Nadine, the black girl, who was in my fourth grade class. I stopped by her house one day on my walk home. We were playing kickball in her front yard with a bunch of other kids, when my mother drove by looking for me because I was late arriving home. Orders came from on high (my father) that I couldn’t play with her anymore. She was the wrong color.

There always seemed to be something wrong with everyone I was friends with. I had to keep my contrary thoughts to myself or face long harangues about who was right for me to play with and who just wasn’t good enough.

On top of that, all throughout my childhood, my architect/home builder, dad, moved us from one unfinished spec home to another. I made friends with new classmates, but then a year or so later when the house was finished and sold, we’d move again. I always had to start over.

It wasn’t until jr. high and high school that we finally had a home of our own where we stayed until I graduated … except for the year my parents packed me off to boarding-school because they wanted to break up my romance with Steve. No he wasn’t black or a Jew. He was a boy.

Then after graduation off we moved to Vermont. I was only allowed to apply to school there because tuition was cheaper than going out of state. I got into three colleges but my dad picked the one closest to home.

Whether I was born an introvert or not, I know my upbringing had a lot to do with my being shy and often needing time just for myself. I never knew anyone long enough to relax and fully trust them. At times I had to keep my friendships secret … never inviting them home … afraid of what my father would do or say.

Bill on the other hand went to the same prep school all of his life, except for a few years when he lived in Paris with his family. Though his parents were also prejudiced in many ways, they weren’t as awful as my folks. When Bill became a boarder in the upper school, his classmates became his family. His parents were often traveling.

Connie, October, 1960.  Our Freshman year at Castleton.

Connie, October, 1960. Our Freshman year at Castleton.

I missed my 50th college reunion this year because of health problems here at home, but I’m not sure I would have gone anyway. My freshman year roommate, Connie Fuesting, was there, and I missed seeing her again. But among those who attended, I really didn’t know any of them. After our freshman year, both Connie and I took a year off from school and went back to New York to work to give ourselves time to figure out what we really wanted to do with our lives.

We both returned a year later. Connie lived on campus and I became a day-student, commuting back and forth from Killington. Not living on campus, I missed the opportunities of daily college life, freedom from my family, and living with my friends.

I did, however, have a two day-student friends from Rutland, who commuted with me in my antique, olive-drab, VW bug. (That’s a whole other story.) At Killington, there were a few ski-bums I was friendly with and dated once or twice. But most of my after school time was taken up with studying and working for my father. Then I met Bill and we got married. I was no longer under my father’s roof and rules. Having friends of all colors, religions, and ethnic backgrounds became very important to me.

Over the years I did see Connie from time to time, but lost touch with everyone else. We had a lovely reunion just a year ago in Vermont, when I went up to spend time with family and friends who still live there. I have no doubt we’ll get together again before too long.

Dan and Laurie Oldham.  Friends from high school that I'd like to find.

Dan and Laurie Oldham. Friends from high school that I’d like to find.

What makes this blog so momentous for me is that this past week, one of my college commuting buddies, Joanne Goodrich, found me on Facebook. She was my Maid of Honor when I was married. Checking through her list of Facebook friends, I found another woman we hung out with, Gail Savarese. I’m beside myself that these two have shown up in my life again. Even though we live miles and miles apart, perhaps one day we’ll have a reunion of our own.

Do you keep in touch with old friends? How often do you see them?

Guns And Violence

© Untitled, 2000 by Joan Z. Rough. Acrylic on wood panel.

© Untitled, 2000 by Joan Z. Rough. Acrylic on wood panel.

A month ago my granddaughters’ high school was evacuated because of a bomb threat.

A few weeks ago the elementary school where my son is a 4th grade teacher was evacuated because of a bomb threat.

Both of these incidents ended well when police were called, and found nothing. The children returned to their classrooms.

But why did this have to happen in the first place?

How does a first grader feel when he or she is rushed out of the classroom because of a bomb threat?

What do we tell the kids when they ask why it happened?

And what do we tell them when they see that last Thursday, at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon, 9 students died and others were seriously injured because a young man entered a classroom and killed or wounded them for no apparent reason as they were at work trying to make something of themselves?

Read this article written from a teacher’s perspective in 2014.

How do we tell our children that we can’t seem to stop this violence? How do we tell them that there are bad people out there and some people who aren’t necessarily bad, want to own guns and don’t believe that guns kill people?

Incidents similar to these happen on a daily basis. And it’s not just in schools. There are people killed in this country every day by someone using a gun. In movie theaters.  In shopping malls.  On the streets.

According to gunviolencearchive.org, on October 4th, there have been 10,018 people killed in this country with the use of a gun so far this year. There have been 265 mass killings and 20,397 injuries due to guns just this year.

Why don’t we notice? Should the major news channels post the number of people killed by guns every day on their evening news? Would it make a difference? What will get the attention of those that believe everyone should be packing heat these days? 

Sandy Hook happened and we all vowed to help change things. Nothing has changed despite our desire and need to live in peace.

I’m ashamed of my country … of those who line the pockets of those who make the laws. Do they feel more virile when they hold a gun in their hands? Are law makers afraid they won’t be re-elected and take the money because they like it and could use it to for a luxury item they have always wanted? It’s all about power. Guns are power. Money is power.

Some blame mental illness for gun violence. But aren’t we all insane if we don’t try to stop this violence? Isn’t this a moral issue?

If you are as horror struck as I am, please write letters to your lawmakers, sign petitions, and do everything you can to pass laws that will help us bring the horrifying numbers quoted above. We cannot let this new normal continue. We have to at least try to bring legislation for stricter background checks for those purchasing guns and find ways to make all of us feel safer.

Confessions Of An Ex-Catholic

 

May 30, 1950.  My first Holy Communion

May 30, 1950. My first Holy Communion

 I ADORE Pope Francis. In just one week he has changed the atmosphere in our country from one of intolerance, hate, and bigotry, to one of love, and compassion. Oh, yes, I’m aware that there are still people out there, including some politicians, that haven’t seen the light. I heard that one couple chose not to be part of the crowd surrounding the Pope because he’s chosen not to wear the standard red, Pope shoes. Like him, I prefer to be living in my old and faded stretchy shoes than the uncompromising, iron-clad boots the nay-sayers wear.

I wish this Pope had been around when I was a vulnerable ten-year-old and my parents were thrown out of the church because they were married by a justice-of- the-peace the night before my dad shipped out to fight for his country in World War II. According to the priest who made that decision, my brothers and I suddenly became something called bastards. I had already been baptized in the church and had received my first Holy communion. I was confused. I didn’t understand but it affected my spiritual life for many years until I recently wrote about it in my memoir.

This excerpt from the book describes what I was feeling:

The church’s rejection shook me to the core. My brothers and I would go to limbo instead of heaven. I felt that the church had taken on the role of abuser to all of us. God, who I was lead to believe was the world’s hero, the force that always protected everyone, was no longer there for me. He didn’t recognize my family members or me as worthy souls. He’d simply ditched us on the side of the road.

Even as an adult, I was afraid to go into any Catholic Church. I wanted to refuse when my cousin, Mary Anne, asked me to be a bride’s maid when she was married in the Catholic church. But my mother told me that I couldn’t let her down. My knees were shaking as I followed the procession down the aisle, praying that there would be no explosion of thunder and lightning over the scene because God didn’t want me there. And on Bill’s and my honeymoon in Europe, I didn’t want to visit the Vatican in Rome, simply to see Michelangelo’s magnificent works. I went anyway and in the end was glad that I did.

My First Holy Communion Certificate, received in 1950

My First Holy Communion Certificate

Today I’m comfortable inside churches of all denominations. I’ve found forgiveness and compassion for those religious zealots who trampled on my world. I strongly believe that God is not a punishing deity and that I am worthy to be called a child of God.

I’m not about to rejoin the church. I prefer to believe in a higher power in my own way. I find God in in the star-lit sky at night, in the fiery reds, hot pinks, and golden sun-struck clouds at sunset, in a bed of tall ferns and soft mosses beneath a canopy of towering oaks, a child’s smile, and in the song of the wood thrush.

I disagree with Pope Francis’ take on same sex-marriage, the role of women in the church, and abortion. But because of Pope Francis’ visit to this country, I feel ever so much closer to God and my belief that we can make our world a better place for our children and all of the people and creatures that we need to protect as global climate changes rips what we’ve considered normal into shreds.

I am grateful for the peace that Pope Francis has brought to so many people while he was here and pray that the serenity and faith that he’s left us with will not be swept away too soon as we make our way through the work of finding a man or woman suitable to become our next President. Politics is often a dirty game. Let’s help keep it clean. Let’s make room in our lives for everyone, no matter their skin color, religion, or ethnicity.

What is your takeaway from the visit of Pope Frances?