The Work Of Living

Scattering My Mother's Ashes, October 2012. oakdale, New York

Scattering My Mother’s Ashes, October 2012. Oakdale, New York

Every so often I’m called to get back to work on myself. Old issues, that I thought I was done with, come popping back up. I find myself feeling lost, or that a piece of me is missing. Over the last couple of months that’s how I’ve been feeling. My book, Scattering Ashes, A Memoir of Letting Go, was finished and published in September. The writing and publishing had taken three years. But in reality I had been working on it, since 2001, when my mother came to live with my husband and me. It was a fifteen year odyssey of learning about myself, life lessons, and finding a way to continue moving forward.

Holding the finished book in my hands, doing a reading and book-signing here in Charlottesville, on September 20th, was the joyous finale of those long years of contemplating a particularly difficult time in my life, writing, rewriting, sharing it with others, and rewriting it all over again.

The morning after the reading, I drove to a local radio station at 7:45 AM, where I did a live interview about the book. I went home and crashed. I was exhausted and was ready for some time off. I didn’t want to think or talk about the book or my mother. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was no longer myself. I had become the book that I had spent all those years getting out into the world.

I spent hours examining that idea as if it were a a Zen Koan. “Does the dog wag the tail, or does the tail wag the dog?” It lasted a week or so until I got myself back. I wasn’t the book and I could now go on with the rest of my life. I began looking for a new pathway.

The election happened and then the holidays came along. I was distraught over the results of the election and then Christmas arrived. Not my favorite time of year. Although I was with people and busy day and night, I was depressed and lonely. I snapped at Bill when he said something that I deemed silly, and discovered I was back in an old pattern of not thinking much of myself. While other sister-authors I knew were moving ahead with marketing and promoting of their just published books, I was lagging behind, and feeling ashamed of myself for not having the energy or the desire to move in that direction.

I took time off from writing and started taking care of myself. The book would have to move along on it’s own. I read. I cooked. I slept. I took walks. I cried. I realized that Bill and I were entering what very well could be the last chapter of our lives. My aches and pains were multiplying and watching my sweet husband struggle with healing from two surgeries in one year made me sad.

Deciding to take advantage of whatever time I had left ahead of me, I came to the conclusion that it was time to celebrate us … Two old farts still full of piss and vinegar, who don’t want to waste time on unimportant things. I still have my brain. Although I can’t run a marathon or plan on skiing down an expert mountain slope, there are still things I can do to make my final years fun, important, and interesting while accepting that we will be slowing down and eventually moving on. Finding a way out of the muck of the last few months and making peace with myself seems like a good start.

Last Saturday, I went to an Insight Dialogue Meditation retreat taught by one of my favorite teachers and began finding my way back to myself. For those who don’t know about Insight Dialogue, it is learning to be aware of our own feelings, both physical and emotional, while speaking and listening to another person. One of the first things we learn is to pause, take our time when we speak, and become a better listener while being aware of our own feelings. The theme of the day was Living Peace, and as the outside world spun around me, I found Peace, at least for the moment. In early April I hope to attend a 5 day Insight Dialogue retreat, “Working with Difficult Emotions.”

Hopefully Bill and will also begin making some future travel plans and find ways to make life with our aging bodies more easeful.

Do you find yourself moving backwards at times? What do you do to begin moving yourself forward again?

Mindfulness and Stress Release

Mindfulness is a massage for the mind and the heart.

ScatteringASHES_VERSA.inddI went on retreat this past weekend to Yogaville, just over an hour from home to pull myself together for this week’s book launch on Friday, September 30th, at 5:30 PM at the New Dominion Bookshop on Charlottesville’s Down Town Mall.

The past couple of weeks have been stressful. The last minute work of getting a book ready to go out into the world has been intense. Plus dealing with Bill’s highly successful shoulder surgery three weeks ago tomorrow,  wore me out. I simply needed to get away and rest. Once there, I was able to get some extra sleep, and enjoyed being with eight other souls looking for peace. Our teacher, Susan Stone was great, helping me find my way back to being nonreactive. I came away feeling two tons lighter and ready to let go of my mind’s constant disruptive rumblings.

I’ll be writing more about mindfulness and how necessary it is, in the coming weeks both here and in my newsletter, which will be a few days late this time around. I usually publish it on the first of each month but with my book launch on Friday, which is the last day of September, I’m going to give myself a few extra days to put it together. This past weekend reminded me that I am not a one-man-band and need to allow myself to take my time and enjoy the process.

The Necessity Of Water

“Happy is he who is awakened by the cool song of the stream, by a real voice of living nature. Each new day for him has the quality of birth.”
Gaston Bachelard

The South Fork Rivanna River

The South Fork Rivanna River

I’ve always been drawn to the water. Living on Long Island as a kid I was at the beach almost every day during the summer months. My last home there was located on a high tide inlet where, despite my difficult teen years, the presence of the water helped with my constant anxiety. We had a small skimmer with an outboard motor, behind which I learned to waterski. We gathered clams, oysters, and mussels that thrived in the sand, or the rocks along the shore. My youngest brother, Reid, a born naturalist, constantly wore a life preserver before he could swim. He caught tiny crabs and any other creatures he found in tide pools. We filled a glass tank with salt water from the sound and populated it with starfish, barnacles, clams, snails, small fish, and a host of other creatures we caught in our own watery back yard.

When I moved to Vermont after I graduated from high school, I missed the salt air, but there were plenty of lakes, ponds, and streams to jump into. And later here in Virginia I would spend ten years living on the banks of the South Fork Rivanna River. My mother spent most of her last seven years living there with Bill and me. Watching the daily movements and moods of the river, the birds, beavers, and otters kept me from totally losing my mind as I tried to help make Mom’s life as painless as possible. I know it also helped her and Bill as well.

Getting out on the water in my kayak was always a blessing. Alone in the sunshine, I often just drifted along, taking deep breathes. Some mornings found me totally overwhelmed not knowing how to manage my own life while taking care of Mom. I’d simply sit in my tiny yellow boat, head bowed to my lap, crying. Back on land, I felt peaceful, and knew the steps I had to take in order to make things somewhat easier, at least for the moment.

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Last week I heard a fascinating interview with Wallace J. Nichols, author of Blue Mind: The Surprising Science That Shows How Being Near, In, On , or Underwater Can Make You Happier. He proves what I’ve always intuitively known about water, but always thought it was just me … that the activity of our brain actually changes when we are close to or on water. Just listening to waves crash to shore can be a cure-all.

I was reminded of the week I recently spent on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Bill and I stayed in a rental home directly on the sound where I watched a great blue heron fishing each morning. We saw magnificent sunsets in the evening and twice a day, I took my dogs, Sam and Max for an ocean side beach walk, where they explored and rolled in all of the luscious, smelly things that had washed up on the shore. There were no deadlines, no phone calls, no have-to-do-now-things to keep me from just letting go. Without any effort, I slipped into a completely relaxed mode. I took naps. I ate seafood. I read books, and sat on the shore watching the water. I wanted to stay there forever.

It had been several years since our last vacation by the sea and I’d been feeling a pressing need to get to the water where I knew I’d be able to let go and untangle my thoughts and feelings about what was happening in my life. When I returned home, I was a completely new person, full of energy and ready to jump back into life.

Now reading Nichols’ book, I know that being on the water is a basic necessity for everyone, even if it’s only for one day or an hour. Just as our bodies need to rest, we absolutely must allow our brains to switch channels and rest. Nichols shows that soaking in a tub, or swimming in a pool can do the same thing for the brain as the ocean.

We spent 9 months adrift and growing in our mothers’ watery wombs. Without it we wouldn’t be alive. If we don’t continuously hydrate our bodies, we die. Taking time  to be near or in the water is the natural thing to do. Without that we’ll certainly have a much more difficult life.

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I finished up this visual journal piece while I was at the beach and later posted it in my first newsletter. I had painted the pages before I left for the Outer Banks, not knowing that they were illustrating my overwhelming  need to be near the water.

How does water fit into your life?

My next free newsletter will be sent out on November 1st.  To have it automatically delivered to your inbox sign up at the top of the page on the right hand side. Simply enter your first name and email address which always remain private, then click go.  

Taking Time To Stand And Stare

Max asleep on my shoulder.

Max asleep on my shoulder.

On July 1st the developmental edit of my memoir was done. Now I’ll take time to reread it once again, make minor changes if necessary, and then send it off for a copyedit.

I loved working with my editor, Annie Tucker, and will miss our phone conversations every other week. I’ve learned a lot from her, but life moves on and we will be in touch again during the final edit. If I ever write another book, it’ll be Annie I’ll look to for the editing. I remember how overwhelmed I felt last summer as I kept revising without the help of an editor. It was not fun and I spent more time being stressed out and worrying that I’d never be done.

As a reward for moving to the next level, I’m going to give myself a little summer break. But I won’t be lying around on the beach doing nothing. While slowing my pace, I’ll still be at work. Tomorrow my new computer will arrive and I’ll take some time to get to know her. To be honest with you, computers scare the heck out of me. I’m not good at technology and feel I need more time to figure things out than others. But I have a great teacher who’ll be helping me out whenever I run into trouble.

I also hope to get some blog posts written ahead of time and to work on a surprise that I’m planning to launch in the fall. I’ll do some reading, rest, and watch the hummingbirds flit through my garden.

This will be my last post until July 28th.

I hope you are all having a wonderful summer. Don’t forget to take some time out to relax.

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have not time to stand and stare.
William Henry Davies

I’m Ba-ack!

The first Hellebores of 2015, taken on March 9th.

The first Hellebores of 2015, taken on March 9th.

During the writing retreat I took with four friends back in February, Shirley and Kathy talked about taking a Lenten sabbatical from all things “Social Media.” Envious, I told myself, “They both are already published writers with terrific, heart-grabbing books. They can afford to do that. They have great followings and six to eight weeks of being in absentia, wouldn’t hurt their sales, ratings, or any other business issue.”

Feeling a tad burned out by all of the things I do on a daily basis, including revising my memoir, keeping up with my blog, email, Facebook, Twitter, and my daily household duties such as cooking and keeping the house tidy, I wished I could go on sabbatical, too.

A week later.

A week later.

Facebook and Twitter, two places I’ve been told are absolutely necessary to participate in to build a platform were taking up too much of my time. I  threatened to quit both on a daily basis. They annoyed me. Whenever I’d start checking Twitter and Facebook trying to find something of interest to post about, Iwould get hooked, read everything but what I needed to read, and then feel as though I’d wasted an entire day. And while I’ve always loved working on this blog, I was tired and running out of ideas. I needed time to figure out where I was going with it. I yearned for time to just stare into space. I wanted more time to read for pleasure. I had a yen to get out my paints, brushes, and splatter glowing colors on a huge piece of canvas, as well as myself.

Same Hellebores on March 14th.

Same Hellebores 2 weeks later.

So, on the evening before I published that last blog post, I made the snap decision to join my friends on sabbatical. I asked myself, “Why not?” I was tired of waking in the night to use the bathroom, and not being able to go back to sleep because I’d start worrying how to get good reviews for the book I hadn’t even finished yet.  I’d try various breathing techniques to calm the knots in my stomach and then get up again to take a pill to remedy the headache that was worsening. For someone with an anxiety disorder, I was not taking care to keep myself from overwhelm and the inevitable panic attacks that can result.

I reasoned that if I took back the time I spent on social media, including my blog, I’d have more time to revise my memoir. I chose not to worry about my “platform,” or what the experienced big boys and girls were saying about what I had to do in order to be a successful author. I was getting more and more anxious about how I was going to get my book published and then spend the rest of my dotage being a saleswoman. I declared, “ Enough already!”

I had big plans for all the extra time I’d have. I’d allow myself to daydream, providing myself with new creative ideas, and time to just relax. I’d take at least an hour every day to read for fun. I’d get back into a daily stretching routine and help my body to get over it’s aches and pains. I’d take brisk walks and go for the 10,000 steps I knew I needed to take every day in order to stay fit. And in order to fill that yearning to start doing some visual art, I decided to keep a weekly visual journal in order to give myself some play time.

It all started out beautifully. I started ripping things out of magazines, got out the glue and markers, and started putting together my first journal page. I walked every day, and spent time stretching my stiff parts. I read, experimented with some new recipes in the kitchen, and took naps when I felt I needed to. I started feeling better immediately and was grateful that I’d chosen to quit the self abuse and just take some time off to get my head back together again.

Chinese Magnolia, April 1st.

Japanese Magnolia, April 1st.

So here I am, back on my blog and taking time to peek at and comment on Facebook and Twitter. I’m happy to be back, rested and wiser for the experience. Next week, I’ll fill you in on what I learned and how it all turned out.

In the meantime, I’m posting some photos of what spring has looked like here. I hope you enjoy them and come back next week for more.