If You See Something, Say Something

up on the High Line in New York City.  Beauty amidst the crush of a big city.

Up on the High Line in New York City. Beauty amidst the crush of a big, sometimes dark city.

It’s 6:30 on a hot and humid August morning. My dogs, Sam and Max, are anxious to get back home, where Bill has their breakfast mixed and waiting for them. They’ve taken care of their “business” and I’m now awake and sweaty after a brisk walk and just as happy that in a few minutes I’ll be back in my air-conditioned abode.

As I turn the corner toward home I notice an old car parked facing out into the street in a driveway to my left. I don’t know the people who live there, but I walk these streets every day and have never seen this aged, black Volvo station wagon before. As I get closer I see its dings and dents, and someone sitting in the drivers seat. The car isn’t parked next to the other cars much further up the driveway and close to the house. This one sits right at the edge of the road as if it’s ready to make a quick get-a-way.

I live in one of Charlottesville’s oldest and most beautiful neighborhoods. The streets are lined with stately tree and in the spring the yards are filled with a riot of color with azaleas, forsythia, Chinese magnolia, dogwood, redbuds, and cherry trees blooming one right after another. Most, if not everyone who lives here feels safe and loves our little community here in the gulch, tucked between several hills.

It’s a 1950’s kind of of a neighborhood. When they’re not in school kids of all ages are out playing together, riding bikes, or shooting baskets without being looked after by overly doting parents. Occasionally a police van drives slowly through the area and though we hear of an occasional nearby car break-in, we who live here, are trusting and don’t live in fear.

This morning there is no one else about except that person in the car. The sun is up and the birds are singing, but it seems that most people are still sacked out or sipping coffee as they read the morning paper. I wonder who that person is in that car and what his business is.

As I pass in front of the car, I notice what looks like the long barrel of a rifle pointing out into the street from the front passenger seat. But I think nothing of it … until I’m about to turn the next corner and begin to feel a rush of adrenalin coursing through my body. I run home, dragging the dogs behind me, who now if they had their way, would stop to sniff every blade of grass we pass.

I tell Bill about what I saw. He says we should call the police, but we look at each other and agree that there must be a rational explanation for the car, the man, and the “rifle.” We’re both thinking, Bad things just don’t happen here.

Brave and brazen, Bill decides to drive around the block to see what’s up. When he returns a few minutes later, he comes in smiling. He tells me that when he drove by the scene of what I now think was all my imagination, the man was out of his car, unloading tree trimming tools. The gun barrel I saw was a long pole he was about to use to trim the neighbors trees.

I was relieved but still distressed and shaken to my core. I’ve suddenly seen my own neighborhood in the shadow of the violence that seems to fill the headlines on a daily basis in this country. That we live in a time when we must be continuously reminded that if we see something suspicious, we must say something, is nothing short of discouraging and often depresses me.

Whether we know it or not, we live in two worlds; the world of home and community where we feel comfortable and safe, and the world we read about or view on tv, in which innocent children and every day good citizens, some whose jobs are to protect us, are shot down for no reason at all. And we can’t always be sure which world we’re in during any given moment.

Had we called the police about the tree trimmer, how would I have felt to learn that he was just an innocent man, getting ready to do his job, but first having a smoke and finishing the last drops of his morning coffee before unloading his tools? I would have felt like a jerk and been kicking myself in the butt.

But how would I have felt if someone in my neighborhood was shot and killed because I never reported what I saw to the police, refusing to believe that bad things could ever happen here?

I know horrific events can and do happen anywhere. And yes, we must say something if we see something that disturbs us and could be harmful to ourselves and other people. It is always better to be safe than sorry.

But constantly being on guard and ready to speak out about the things that frighten or anger us, can make our days darker and our anxiety levels sky rocket.

Perhaps we could grow our awareness, our sense of reality, and stem the tide of anxiety and depression if we also spoke out about the beautiful things we see around us.

Perhaps if the next time we witness an awe inspiring sunset or a person doing good deeds benefiting all creatures and point it out to everyone around us, we can spread the notion that indeed we live in a wonderful world. By sharing the goodness as well as the badness, we can all be happier and live more fulfilling lives. Reality is both frightfully horrible and outrageously wonderful.

We can soften the blow of the horrible by recognizing the beauty that surrounds us.

Taking Time To Stand And Stare

Max asleep on my shoulder.

Max asleep on my shoulder.

On July 1st the developmental edit of my memoir was done. Now I’ll take time to reread it once again, make minor changes if necessary, and then send it off for a copyedit.

I loved working with my editor, Annie Tucker, and will miss our phone conversations every other week. I’ve learned a lot from her, but life moves on and we will be in touch again during the final edit. If I ever write another book, it’ll be Annie I’ll look to for the editing. I remember how overwhelmed I felt last summer as I kept revising without the help of an editor. It was not fun and I spent more time being stressed out and worrying that I’d never be done.

As a reward for moving to the next level, I’m going to give myself a little summer break. But I won’t be lying around on the beach doing nothing. While slowing my pace, I’ll still be at work. Tomorrow my new computer will arrive and I’ll take some time to get to know her. To be honest with you, computers scare the heck out of me. I’m not good at technology and feel I need more time to figure things out than others. But I have a great teacher who’ll be helping me out whenever I run into trouble.

I also hope to get some blog posts written ahead of time and to work on a surprise that I’m planning to launch in the fall. I’ll do some reading, rest, and watch the hummingbirds flit through my garden.

This will be my last post until July 28th.

I hope you are all having a wonderful summer. Don’t forget to take some time out to relax.

A poor life this if, full of care,
We have not time to stand and stare.
William Henry Davies

Graduation And Remembering A Life

The Daily Progress, May 18, 2015

The Daily Progress, May 18, 2015

This past weekend the University of Virginia held its 186th commencement. There were 18,000 folding chairs set up outside on the lawn for well over 6,000 graduates and their loved ones. The university expected some 35,000 people to be on grounds for this festive event. The rain respectfully held off until late afternoon.

Graduation weekend here in ole C’ville is always a big deal. When first year students come to UVA, their parents often make hotel reservations for their kid’s graduation, four years away. They may also make reservations for their celebration meal at one of the areas outstanding restaurants, making it impossible for those who live here to go out to dinner, never mind finding a parking place anywhere in town.

On Sunday, I observed a parade of cars towing U-Haul trailers leave town, and was forced to remember my own graduation from college many years ago and what commencement out into the world meant to me.

Most dictionaries define graduation as a time when you have completed your education and receive a degree. I’ll add that it’s supposed to prove you have done your work, and are ready to take on the world. It also means letting go of a whole lot of things. You’re suddenly a grown up and it’s time to leave behind your teddy bear, blanky, and all of your other childhood pacifiers. What you hopefully get is a job and the ability to live your own life away from the rules and regulations of family and University.

I’ve been through two graduation ceremonies. The first was in 1960, when I graduated from Northport High School, on Long Island, and then again in 1965, when I graduated from Castleton State College, in Vermont. Yes, it took me five years to finish up because I took a year off and went back to New York to work and figure out what I really wanted to do with my life.

During this memory-fest, I thought about how we will all one day graduate from The School of Life. Along the way there are no paper degrees that we can hang on the wall when we commence from one step to the next.

My mind traveled to other events in my life that marked times of letting go and moving to the next step. I took two steps at a time when I got married one week after graduating from college. In 1967 I gave birth to my first child, and commenced from being childless to being a mother. Gone were the days of sleeping in, having privacy in the bathroom, and being able to do whatever I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to do it. Instead there were sweet hugs and kisses, and the thrill of watching my own children learn and grow.

When my kids had their own graduation ceremonies and moved out into the world, I was left with an emptiness I found hard to get over. I missed their mischief, their quiet presence when everyone was at home, safe and sound, and even the doors slamming when I said something they thought inappropriate. I took on worry, wondering where they were and what they were doing, until I slowly and gloriously realized that I was my own person and able to move about as I pleased.

When Lisa gave birth to Zoe, the word “grandmother” slipped into my vocabulary. Though I loved little Zoe to bits, I complained that I was too young for that. I didn’t want anyone calling me grandma, granny, grammy, nana, or ma-maw. A grandchild meant I was getting old. But I was in complete denial about aging. I finally caved when Zoe began calling me “Batty,” of her own accord. I took solace in the idea that this adorable little girl “got me.” We must have been together in a former lifetime.

Now Zoe is a teen. She’ll be fifteen and a sophomore in high school this coming fall, and already thinks she knows where she wants to go to college. She’s learning how to drive and will get her learners permit sometime in the near future.

So guess what that means? I AM old. My days are numbered and as Lisa used to say whenever I told her what to do during her terrible twos, “No, I don wanna.”

I’m seventy-two. I will have been married to the love of my life for fifty years on June 19th, and will have graduated from college fifty years ago, on June 12th.

Where has the time gone and where was I during all those happenings? I honestly have to say, I don’t know. It just all slipped by when I wasn’t looking.

I suppose my next and final graduation could happen any day now. But so far I’m feeling pretty good and trying not to complain too much about having difficulty getting up off the floor after a yoga session, or falling asleep before it’s bedtime. For now I’m going to pretend I’m fifty again. That’s when I really started figuring things out and began wanting to live life to the fullest.

I watch as new wrinkles take over my face and watch others my age retire to rocking chairs. I want to keep on going, full steam ahead. I figure that if I allow myself to accept those changes and find newness in my oldness, I’ll do fine.

How do you see it? What does graduation mean to you? What about aging?

An Almighty Plan?

My front garden.

My front garden.

I have always had the notion that I’m being cared for by some invisible force. Those is AA and the other 12 step programs call it their Higher Power. I called it the same thing before I got comfortable with the word, God. But that’s another story and you’ll be filled in on that one when my book is finally published.

For me, God is not a wizened old man with a long, flowing beard, who sits on a thrown, cushioned with clouds. Actually, I have no idea what He, She, or It looks like. For all I know, God may be Booby, my first dog and special pet when I was very small. He was a dachshund and full of unconditional love. I have always noted that dog spelled backwards spells you know what … I know, bad joke, but sometimes, I do wonder.

IMG_1437All I know is that when I need something, God, often shows up and takes care of the problem. I do wonder about those times when He, She or It doesn’t show up. Maybe it’s because I’m NOT a churchgoer … But whatever, I’m very grateful for the help when it does come and always say thank you loudly, over and over again, in case that special caregiver of mine has hearing troubles like mine.

I do believe that my decision to take a social media sabbatical was one made out of necessity with somebody else’s help. I just didn’t know it at the time. Things were going swimmingly. I was having fun. I was ahead in revising my book. My editor, Annie, and I talk every two weeks, discussing three chapters or approximately 5,000 words of my manuscript. At the same time I’d send her the next three chapters for her to read and point out the places where I’m not being clear and need some help.

I was taking long walks every day, reading, and even seeing friends, that too often, I haven’t had the time to visit with. I made a list of the most important things in my life, and where and how I wanted to use my energy before I leave the planet.

No, I’m not suffering from a terminal illness, nor do I think I’m about to slip away. I’m very healthy. My departure will happen, but not yet. I do reckon though, that it’s important to take time now and then to remind ourselves of what the plan is.

Oh, but is there a plan or does it all just happen? I’ve never figured that out. Life runs at too fast a clip, dragging me along, until one day I have to stop and say, “Whoa there, give me some time to think, before I lose my attention span!”

Two weeks before Bill, was scheduled to open as one of the dad’s in the musical, The Fantastiks, one of his knees decided to rebel. His doc, said it was Gout and gave him special meds to make it go away. In the meantime, he had most of his dance steps in order and worked with the choreographer to make things less painful.

But the pain intensified on a daily basis and he had a hard time just walking from one room to another. I took over his cooking nights, his afternoon walks with the dogs, garbage emptying, and all the other IMG_1438stuff he does around the house. When he saw the doc again, he was told, “It’s not gout. You need to see an orthopedist.” The appointment was made for a date after the show was to open. And there was no getting around the excruciating pain. None of the over the counter anti-inflammatory meds did anything for the swelling or the pain.

Two days before opening night, Bill had to break the dramatist’s credo, “The show must go on,” and made the very tough decision to excuse himself from the cast. The director, took over Bill’s part and the show went on to great reviews. We went to see it opening night and it was fun. But Bill was devastated. Having been a actor, director, playwright, and teacher most of his life, he’d never had to drop out of anything before.

A week and a half later, Bill saw the orthopedist, had a cortisone shot, and was scheduled for an MRI the following week. He was still in pain and I was frustrated. Suddenly I didn’t have a lot of time to write, walk, or take naps. Between my own usual activities and Bill’s chores, I walked well over the 10,000 steps a day without taking my usual long walks. Bill’s sleep was disrupted by pain, mine by worry. Some of his symptoms were similar to those of our daughter’s chronic lyme disease symptoms. Was he suffering from the same thing or was it what the orthopedist said was arthritis? We were both extremely grumpy because life was not going as we’d planned it.

Bill had knee surgery a few weeks ago to repair a torn meniscus. At the same time the surgeon scraped away some of Bill’s arthritis and has warned that he is a candidate for a knee replacement if cortisone shots and a brace don’t keep the pain away. He’s still in recovery, works on a bike at the gym, and walks a little bit further every day without his cane.

I’m sure my decision to take a Lenten sabbatical was God’s plan to give me the time I’d need to be the head honcho here a home. The timing was just too perfect. Every day we both learned new lessons about patience, life changes, acceptance, and the small things that are of the most importance to us.

So far we’ve lived a charmed life. But we were reminded that we do not run the show and that whoever, or whatever it is who pulls the strings, has already figured out what we’ll need ahead of time.

Happy Spring!

I’m Ba-ack!

The first Hellebores of 2015, taken on March 9th.

The first Hellebores of 2015, taken on March 9th.

During the writing retreat I took with four friends back in February, Shirley and Kathy talked about taking a Lenten sabbatical from all things “Social Media.” Envious, I told myself, “They both are already published writers with terrific, heart-grabbing books. They can afford to do that. They have great followings and six to eight weeks of being in absentia, wouldn’t hurt their sales, ratings, or any other business issue.”

Feeling a tad burned out by all of the things I do on a daily basis, including revising my memoir, keeping up with my blog, email, Facebook, Twitter, and my daily household duties such as cooking and keeping the house tidy, I wished I could go on sabbatical, too.

A week later.

A week later.

Facebook and Twitter, two places I’ve been told are absolutely necessary to participate in to build a platform were taking up too much of my time. I  threatened to quit both on a daily basis. They annoyed me. Whenever I’d start checking Twitter and Facebook trying to find something of interest to post about, Iwould get hooked, read everything but what I needed to read, and then feel as though I’d wasted an entire day. And while I’ve always loved working on this blog, I was tired and running out of ideas. I needed time to figure out where I was going with it. I yearned for time to just stare into space. I wanted more time to read for pleasure. I had a yen to get out my paints, brushes, and splatter glowing colors on a huge piece of canvas, as well as myself.

Same Hellebores on March 14th.

Same Hellebores 2 weeks later.

So, on the evening before I published that last blog post, I made the snap decision to join my friends on sabbatical. I asked myself, “Why not?” I was tired of waking in the night to use the bathroom, and not being able to go back to sleep because I’d start worrying how to get good reviews for the book I hadn’t even finished yet.  I’d try various breathing techniques to calm the knots in my stomach and then get up again to take a pill to remedy the headache that was worsening. For someone with an anxiety disorder, I was not taking care to keep myself from overwhelm and the inevitable panic attacks that can result.

I reasoned that if I took back the time I spent on social media, including my blog, I’d have more time to revise my memoir. I chose not to worry about my “platform,” or what the experienced big boys and girls were saying about what I had to do in order to be a successful author. I was getting more and more anxious about how I was going to get my book published and then spend the rest of my dotage being a saleswoman. I declared, “ Enough already!”

I had big plans for all the extra time I’d have. I’d allow myself to daydream, providing myself with new creative ideas, and time to just relax. I’d take at least an hour every day to read for fun. I’d get back into a daily stretching routine and help my body to get over it’s aches and pains. I’d take brisk walks and go for the 10,000 steps I knew I needed to take every day in order to stay fit. And in order to fill that yearning to start doing some visual art, I decided to keep a weekly visual journal in order to give myself some play time.

It all started out beautifully. I started ripping things out of magazines, got out the glue and markers, and started putting together my first journal page. I walked every day, and spent time stretching my stiff parts. I read, experimented with some new recipes in the kitchen, and took naps when I felt I needed to. I started feeling better immediately and was grateful that I’d chosen to quit the self abuse and just take some time off to get my head back together again.

Chinese Magnolia, April 1st.

Japanese Magnolia, April 1st.

So here I am, back on my blog and taking time to peek at and comment on Facebook and Twitter. I’m happy to be back, rested and wiser for the experience. Next week, I’ll fill you in on what I learned and how it all turned out.

In the meantime, I’m posting some photos of what spring has looked like here. I hope you enjoy them and come back next week for more.