Hellebores ready for the garden.

During the last seven years of my mother’s life, I was her caretaker.  Except for the last five months of her life, she lived in my home with me and my husband, Bill.  It was a hard time for all of us.  My mother was narcissistic and difficult in the best of times.  But as she  crept slowly into the world that awaits all of us at the end of our lives, she became even more difficult.  Her behavior triggered responses in me that I regret and have been difficult for me to come to terms with.  No, I did not physically abuse her.  Above everything else I wanted to help her through the darkest of days and to feel loved by her.  Now, six years after her death I know that she did love me, but at the time I did not see or understand what was happening.  I searched for comfort where ever I could find it, especially in books.  I often read the following quote from Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s book, The Dance, to help me through those dark times:

“In My humanness I forget that who I am is enough, especially when I am hurt or afraid of being unloved.  Immersed in the pain and fear that are part of this forgetting, I sometimes hurt another.  Yet even this failure, for which I must take responsibility, calls me not to change who I am, to hold myself within my innately compassionate heart.  And I learn about the expansiveness of who we are, an expansiveness that makes us capable of compassion where we thought it was impossible.”