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A few days ago as I was working on my memoir, I wrote, “Though he has broad shoulders, I should not lean on them as much as I do.” Seeing the words “shoulder” and “should,” just one word apart from each other stopped me in my tracks. They are words with different meanings. Their spelling is alike, except for the “er” in shoulder. And they are very much related, especially in the way we use them today.
I looked up the meaning and origin of each word. According to the Merrriam-Webster Dictionary, the word should comes from “the middle English word, sholde and the Old English word sceolde.” One of its many uses is “in auxiliary function to express obligation, propriety, or expediency.”
Shoulder on the other hand “in Middle English is sholder from Old English sculdor; akin to Old High German scultra.” We of course know it to mean the part of the body between the neck and the tops of our arms. It can also mean to carry a burden or to push through.
I first heard the expression, “Don’t should on me,” years ago at one of the first Alanon meetings I went to. Dealing with my mother’s alcoholism and another family member’s drug habits, I went to those meetings to find my way through the maze of how to live my own life while being a family member with concerns about my loved ones. My mother-in-law had also been an alcoholic when she was alive and I’d successfully made her into my worst enemy by telling her that if she really loved her son and her new grandson, she shouldn’t drink.
It was years before I learned that “should” doesn’t mean anything when it comes to addiction, whether it’s to alcohol, heroin, or food. Addiction is a disease that is genetic and runs in families. It is a biological urge that is difficult, if not impossible to overcome.
I have always been a “shoulder.” Should is a frequent part of my speech no matter who I’m talking to, and especially when it comes to myself. “I should go to the gym four times a week, I shouldn’t eat too much dessert, and I should be more patient,” are always on the tip of my tongue. It was a family pattern I grew up with. I was constantly being told I should or shouldn’t, as in “You shouldn’t be seeing that boy. You should be seeing someone closer to your own age.”
I’ve also been one big “shoulder.” I’ve carried a lot of stuff belonging to other people on my shoulders so that they would feel less pain. I’ve always hated watching people, especially my family and innocent creatures like dogs, cats, and horses suffer. So in order to keep those I love from painful predicaments I often try to carry their baggage for them. When it came to my parents, I was their go-between when they fought. I became the family “fixer” who knew just what to say to calm everyone else down, while I broke apart from the weight.
I’ve been known for taking the reins when someone falls off their horse and lies on the ground broken and in pain. I took my mother in during her last years, caring for her as best as I could, often at my own emotional expense. I know now that I shouldn’t be carrying anyone else’s baggage but my own. But it’s still a tendency and I’m working hard at being less prone to that way of life. I’m being fairly successful, though now and then I find it particularly difficult to pass up taking in a stray dog or cat.
The pinched nerve in my neck/shoulder area is almost 100% better. I think it had something to do with a should. The one in which I said I should have my first draft done by October first. Well, it’s not going to happen and that’s fine by me. I’m learning to listen to my body when it tells me what I should and shouldn’t be doing.
Are you a “shoulder?” If so, what makes you want to take on the weight of the world?
In thinking about it, “should” can creep into my language without my even realizing it. It is a judgmental word, whether we apply it to someone else (“You should do this.” ) or myself (“I really should have known better.”). And it carries the potential for guilt. (What happens if I don’t do what they said I should do.) Just this morning in a tweet I told my followers: “You should read this interview on K’s blog.”
I never really thought about it this way. Except when a close friend said to me once, “You should write a book about that.” And I am. : )
Judy, I think should is one of those invisable words that we use without even thinking about until it’s brought to our attention. And yes it can bring guilt with it which is the part I dislike the most. I’ve been carrying around a lot guilt because I’m one of those people who often likes to go against the grain. It was especially tricky when I was a kid and my parents were constantly “shoulding” me.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this post! The only part I disagreed with, at all, is when you wrote, “… I shouldn’t be carrying anyone else’s baggage but my own.”
I’m of the mind that we should “travel light, travel fast,” examining and then offloading our own baggage, too. Carrying a little “tote” through life — just big enough for a swimsuit, sunglasses, sunscreen, and the latest good book http://www.holessence.com/theexperience.html
Laurie, You are of course right. However, I don’t want to carry anyone else’s “tote.” Even they can be heavy. Especially if you are like me and have to have several good books. 🙂
This should word is a two-headed arrow. I pointed out to someone near and dear to me two days ago how much time he spends talking about what he “should have done.”
I’m glad your neck is feeling better and have no doubt it’s a should thing. I’ve given myself permission to indefinitely extend book deadlines. That’s both the blessing and the curse of indie authors. But the books are the better for delays. They become richer, and truly fun promo ideas hatch. “Publish no book before its time” has become my new motto. The book I “Should have had finished” to use as an example with a class I’m teaching is serving a different role. Promo can’t be rushed, and each volume deserves our best.
Is that another way of saying “I should do perfect promotion”?
Sharon,
You are so right about giving yourself and our books permission to take all the time they need. Since I started crawling toward publication rather than running, I’ve noticed a huge difference in my writing. It is richer and more ideas and memories pop up when I need them.
And yes, that promo stuff is full of shoulds and have tos! I think the perfect promo will come to the surface once the words we’re writing are done with us.
Thanks for your visit!
Joan
Joan, your words are always worth waiting for – blog or memoir!
I have found this post really moving and thought provoking. My husband and I noticed this summer in Scotland how much our parents use negative language to describe things. I think it’s what they grew up with and they do it without even realising what an effect it has on their inner happiness. With Scottish roots, we both do it occasionally, but we usually pull each other up about it!
I am so glad you are better too. x
I’m so glad you enjoyed this post. Using negative words has an amazing effect on inner happiness. I think most of us see the word “should” mostly as a negative word that can bring about lots of guilt. I recognize when it is written, but in speach it often slips out, invisable to the speaker but recognizable to the one being “shoulded”.
Thanks again for your kind words. I love having you visit.
I loved your exploration into the origin of these two words and exploring the evolution of language and thought. (I fear the changes that the shortcut mentality will bring in its wake!) Finding purity of motivation in anything we do is a challenge, but a worthy one. I so enjoy witnessing, and being part of, the evolutionary/revolutionary process that is taking place in women as they age in our time. We are entering a new frontier of psychological and spiritual awareness and growth that is beautiful to see and more beautiful to experience. Our awareness and thought processes are not at all like our mothers, or their mothers. We have had the benefit of science and social science that has revolutionized our perspective and continues to do so at a rapid pace. I wish I could live another 100 years to see where it all goes. Thanks for sharing your valuable insights and I look forward to reading your book whenever it is born. The birthing process moves along at its own speed and it’s not always easy being the mother!
Dorothy,
I just love the conversation that my post has started. I also love watching as we all grow in directions so different from our mothers’ and grandmothers’. I’m not at all sure I want to be around to see where it goes over the next hundred years, but hopefully I’ll be able to look over the edge of my cloud and get a glimpse.
Yes, the birthing process of a book is an amazing thing. Now that I’ve slowed my pace, I’m actually enjoying it more and find my writing is getting richer. Taking my time gives me so much more space to play in. I have two friends who have just birthed their books and it’s so exciting. My time will come.
“I know now that I shouldn’t be carrying anyone else’s baggage but my own.” I noticed you even work “should” into a statement about not “shoulding.” Hard to let go of that habit?
I think one of the problems with should is really that it is imprecise. Expediency is very different from propriety. So I try to be precise in my shoulds. I would like to exercise at least four times a week, because I would prefer to maintain my health. That’s a goal and a preference. The “should” I could have used there just makes exercise a means to an end I’ve chosen. But using should makes it unclear: Am I a better person if I exercise? Is this a question of being an acceptably virtuous and moral person? No, it isn’t. It’s about health and my own future welfare.
I would like to be more patient, because that would lower my stress level and I might feel more relaxed and happy and that would obviously be my preference. I could value patience because that’s a virtue, but virtue might not be the reason for trying to gain more of it.
“Should” allows us to be lazy, and we can avoid clarifying for ourselves what it is we’re trying to pursue. Being precise in my language helps me see my goals more clearly and how what I’m doing fits into that. And having to re-assess and balance competing goals is part of that: you’d probably like to finish a draft (wouldn’t that feel good!) and also maintain a pain-free life. When you realize you can’t have both, as will happen, you find yourself needing to adjust. That constant adjustment is just part of life, I think.
Ashana,
Thanks so much for your great response. Especially catching me in the act of shoulding myself. 🙂 It’s a difficult word to get rid of. Who wouldn’t want a pain-free life? But that kind of life just doesn’t exist. One of the only things that is certain is “change,” and that means constant reassessment and adjusting to the way the wind blows. Even though I at times complain mightily about it, for me it contains the adventure and mystery of life. And even at it’s worst it always gets better before it goes bad again. It’s just cycle we all live with.
Would you please come live in my brain Ashana and sort me out? 🙂