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I’ve been on quite a roll with my memoir writing lately. But suddenly I’m in one of those places, where to move forward even more, means that I must build up my courage and reenter places and times that were cruel and heartbreaking. I’ve been in this situation numerous times in the past as I’ve gone back in time, processing the occasions that brought me to the place on which I stand today. It means remembering and feeling the way I did when both good and horrible things were happening in my life.
The good parts are no problem. Who wouldn’t be willing to revisit the births of their children? As physically painful as those happy occasions can be, they are times of celebration, bringing new life into the world and watching as tiny copies of ourselves take wing and find their own way.
It’s the heart wrenching times that can send me into hurtful funks. But I realize that in order to go where I’m headed, I must enter a roiling sea of emotions and make my way to the opposite shore, where I no longer have to hide from the things that made my life a living hell at times..
By revisiting those dark memories and arriving on the other side, I stand taller, unafraid, and grateful for the chance to move along into my new life. It is a rebirth in which I release myself from the tangle of horrifying events that left me stranded; a broken, needy person.
When I enter the dark, I find the light and recognize where I am, knowing that I am not all that has happened to me. It is who I am becoming now that is important. It allows me to live each day with joy and forgiveness. It’s a place I never thought I’d find and I’m very grateful to have arrived here.
So this week, I’ll probably spend a few days procrastinating. I’ll sharpen pencils, clean up the huge mess on my desk, and feel slightly depressed. I’ll listen to my inner critic who seems to think I’m useless and a horrible writer. When I get tired of her ranting about how useless I am, I’ll don my Super Woman cape, hold my breath and jump headlong into the mess of living. I’ll arrive on the other shore with much less baggage, watching her as she tries to catch up with me, rowing a small, leaky boat across the choppy sea. She’ll eventually make it and will try to torture me with her presence once again. But she’ll still be carrying her oars and hauling the little boat that holds all of her heavy stuff, behind her. I will be freshly bathed and ready to dive into the next waves that roll my way. She’ll be screaming at me as I go, but I’ll reemerge on the other side once again, even lighter than I was before.
Joan,
I admire your strength because, to write this book, you must relive those painful moments just like they are happening right now.
But I will just say this: don’t be strong! Let it all out, even if you are a mess for a while as you find the emotional truth of your story.
I will never forget what a friend of mine said. She wrote the bestselling book, “When Heaven and Earth Changed Places,” which became an Oliver Stone movie in 1995, called “Heaven and Earth.” She came of age in central Viet Nam during the Viet Nam War, where her allegiance was questioned by both the North and South Viet Nam forces, in brutal ways. Her family was split: some of her brothers fought on the South side and other brothers on the North, almost reminiscent of the U.S. Civil War. She went through horrific experiences but in the end came out on the other side.
I asked her, “How did you write this book? It seems like it took a lot of courage.” She said, “I bought boxes and boxes of Kleenex and kept them on my office desk as I wrote. I had to stop frequently to blow my nose.”
So, buy some Kleenex, but go for it because that you are reaching both the hardest part of your story and the heart of it.
Judy, Thanks so much for your words. I hear you. I agree with you about being too strong and also about the kleenex. I’ve planned a few days off to write about more pleasant things. The weather is supposed to be cool and lovely over the weekend so I’ll probably spend time out in the garden, which always helps. Then I’ll be ready to jump in again.
Just tweeted this do-not-miss post!
Wow, Laurie. Thanks so much. Your support and sharing is very much appreciated.
Dear, dear Joan,
When that inner critic tells you that you’re “useless and a horrible writer” you need to stand up and ‘bitch-slap that girl into next week’! :). The words you so eloquently put down on paper resonate strongly with so many women who have endured much to get to where they are today. Thank you for being the voice for so many of us. Like the saying goes, “The way out of pain is through it.”
Keep writing, girl, and we’ll all continue on this journey together!
Much love and respect,
Maggie
Maggie, thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so glad that what I write here resonates with you and others out there. I so appreciate comments like yours. They keep me going in contrast to my inner critic who I do kick about once Ina while. 😉
Joan — loved the photo and the title … one chapter in my memoir was titled “Choppy Waters,” and dealt with some of the darkest moments of an otherwise extraordinary positive experience. You do get through them!
Mary,
Every one of us must navigate through “Choppy Waters,” to get to where we need to be. It’s all part of the game plan. Unless we dare to move forward we we won’t grow and will remain hidden from ourselves.
Thanks for your visit.