Writing — Joan Z Rough

A Kick Butt Year

March 18, 2014 By Joan Rough

Celebrate!

It’s been an amazing year so far. First, I got myself through an eight weeks home renovation that was only supposed to be four weeks long. I LOVE the changes we made and I can say it was well worth the struggle and wait.

Second, I’m almost halfway through the 21 Day Sugar Detox without many complications and am feeling great. I’m really looking forward to the end when I can add back some things like blueberries, strawberries and mangoes, but it hasn’t been that bad at all. I still have a few cravings from time to time, but they are much more manageable than they used to be. My clothes are getting bigger on me and I’m really happy that I started what at the time I thought was probably an insane idea.

But number three is the biggy! Think fireworks and champagne. Think I never thought I could do it. Think I’m amazing.

What is it you ask? Well, this past weekend I FINISHED THE “SHITTY FIRST DRAFT” OF MY MEMOIR!!!

It may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but for me it is. You’re thinking, “Hey girl, that’s only the beginning. It’s not published yet.” Well you’re right and of course I know that. But really, I often thought I’d never get this far. I wanted to, but there were moments throughout the process when I thought, like the sugar detox, “This is an insane idea. Who cares? This is too painful. Why don’t you just jump off a bridge instead?”

But I’ve learned so many new things about myself and for the first time ever, I admit that I’m stubborn. When the inner critic starts slamming me with, “You’ll never do it,” I answer, “Watch me.” Yes, it’s only the first step and there is a very long row to hoe ahead, especially since I hate being a salesperson. But one day, somehow, one way or another, it’ll get done. I can almost smell the finish line.

I will spend time this coming week attending presentations at the Virginia Festival Of The Book, which is an annual event. I’ll meet peers who are also writing books and will have the pleasure of hearing Jane Friedman, talk about ebooks and marketing.

Next week I’ll be doing a reread and fixing the worst problems. Since I edit as I go along, hopefully it won’t be too bad a job. Then I’ll send it off to my beta readers, take a week off, then get back to work on it so that I can have a decent draft to take to a no-fiction writing conference I’m going to in May. Over the summer I plan on working on a final draft and begin looking into how I want to get it published.

So if I keep kicking butt like I have been, maybe sometime in the not too distant future there will be an even bigger celebration going on here. Wish me luck!

Filed Under: Memoir, Navigating Through Life, The Virginia Festival of the Book, Writing Tagged With: Jane Friedman, Moving Forward, Publishing, Shitty First Draft, The Inner Critic, The Virginia Festival of the Book

Already Naked

February 25, 2014 By Joan Rough

“Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.” Steve Jobs

Just over a week ago we had fifteen inches of snow on the ground. This past weekend we had two gorgeous days, both near seventy degrees. The warmth and sunshine was heart warming after what has seemed like a long, cold, and dreary winter. Although it sounds like there may be more snow in our future for next weekend, I know spring is on it’s way.

My cat, Lily, was the first to inform me. She has spent most of winter cozied up inside on the couch, only going out to use her favorite flowerbed as her kitty pan. Just before the big snow, she started her warm weather routine of going out, coming in, going out, coming in, and going out again. She’s constantly at the door or at the window outside our dining room asking for our attention in manning the doors. And even the snow didn’t stop her. She tells me that spring’s arrival is guaranteed. Soon. She is much more optimistic than that groundhog, Phil.

I’ve also noticed the build up of the chorus of bird song when I go out for my morning walks with the dogs. Almost silent just a few weeks ago, the sunrise is taking on music and it will crescendo into it’s full blown glory as the days grow longer and warmer. Yesterday I noticed a lawn up the street abloom with tiny lavender croci. Daffodils are poking their sleepy heads above ground, gaining strength and energy as they inch toward the glow of the sun.

And I’ve taken on a new glow myself. After my last post about loss and grieving, an internet friend, Debra Marrs, sent me the quote above. I’ve spent the last week contemplating its meaning and feeling myself beginning to recharge and get ready for an audacious spring. I’m certainly helped by the lengthening of daylight hours. I’m now ready to great the sunrise and be outside at around 6:40 AM and am reveling in the added time in the evening to watch the sun sink beyond earth’s edge. My energy levels are moving upward and now that the work on our house is about done, (They promise today will be the last day) my interest in finishingmy book is growing. No one ever told me that these last chapters just might be the hardest to write, but the words are flowing again and I just might find my way out of my thicket of thoughts in a timely way. I’m seriously considering going to a creative non-fiction writing conference in May, the first in many years, as a way to get myself primed for what’s next in getting my memoir onto bookstore shelves.

During the dark time of winter, especially when it’s cold, I find it easy for me to sit back and fall into my old patterns of not feeling good enough … that I’ll never get the book done or published … and if I do get that far, no one will care to read it. But hey, that quote above sent me a reminder. I’m already naked. What do I have to lose?

So tell me, is spring on its way in your neck of the woods? And what do you have to lose if you ignore your biggest dream?

Filed Under: Dreams, Memoir, Navigating Through Life, The Seasons, Writing

Getting Back Back To Work

February 11, 2014 By Joan Rough

The new sunroom.

The distractions of home renovation are beginning to ebb. Just a few more items to finish up and I’ll be happy to say goodbye to the workmen who have worked to fulfill our wants and needs. For the most part all has gone well, but I’ll be happy for them to leave me to my privacy and my home, without the sounds of saws, hammers, clouds of dust, muddy footprints, water spouting from the new tub with no way to turn it off, and the continual presence of those who don’t live here. The original time estimate of four weeks is now becoming six and though I do not like to wish away time, I will be extremely happy when it’s over.

What has probably frustrated me most over the last weeks, has been my inability of keep up a regular writing routine. There were constant interruptions and an inability to focus on my work. Over the holidays I celebrated the fact that I’m close to the end of the first draft of my book, with only a few more chapters to write. I knew that keeping up my regular writing schedule of two hours a day would be in peril while the work on the house started, but I was unprepared for the complete shutdown that took place as I waded through the ins and outs of recreating a home that is comfortable and helps to keep me happy and healthy.

The other side of the sunroom still missing the drawers.

This past week I was able to get started on a new chapter of my book and was hit once again by how the tiniest of memories can come to the surface, when I least expect them, giving me answers to questions I’ve contemplated for a long time. One of the things I do that my husband questions me about almost every day, is that I’m always saying, “I’m sorry.” It doesn’t matter whether it’s something I’ve done or not, my response to whatever the problem is always, “I’m sorry.” I’ve spent hours wondering where in the world those words came from and have continuously tried to stop saying them. But after many years, they still slip out of my mouth in the unconscious way that habits have.

As I started delving into the spiritual journey I’ve been on throughout my life, I came up with the answer I believe I’m been looking for. As words about my early Catholic experience seemed automatically to appear on my screen, I wrote the following:

“I was extremely disturbed by the idea of having to go to confession every week inside a small, closet-like box, to tell a strange man dressed in black a list of things I had done wrong. I could not see his face through the screen between us and knew I had never met him before. On the occasions when I was forced through that terrifying process, I often made up sins just to satisfy what I thought the requirements were. It didn’t seem to me that telling a white lie to save myself from embarrassment or punching my brother out for blaming me for something he had done, seemed trivial and not sinful enough. Afterwards kneeling in a pew and doing penance, I usually spent my time wondering if the prayers I was told to say but couldn’t remember the words to would really make a difference in whether or not I would be forgiven. So just to be on the safe side, I would repeat, “I’m sorry,” over and over again for all of the horrific things that I had and hadn’t done.”

So there was my answer to the mystery of those two word, “I’m sorry,” that seem to be such a large part of my life. I still say them, but at least now I know why I say them and can laugh at myself for my folly. I did quit smoking many years ago, so perhaps with time I’ll be able to quit the “I’m sorry” addiction, too.

Do you have any small, crazy habits that drive you nuts? Do you know how they got started?

Filed Under: Addiction, Growing Up, Matters of the Spirit, Memoir, Writing Tagged With: Moving Forward

On Getting Rid Of Writer’s Block

November 20, 2013 By Joan Rough

I’ve been going through a few weeks of being unable to write. I spent the first week after my trip recovering from a nasty cold. The second week I finished up laundry and caught up on missed appointments. I don’t know what took up the third week but it wasn’t writing and that is what I wanted to get back into. During the fifth week, disgusted and scared that I might be suffering from a blockage, I decided to simply sit down at my computer and see what might come forth. I had no problem writing blog posts. But working on my book was another story.

It probably had a lot to do with the fact that I had finished Part II of my book while I was sick in England. I couldn’t go out much and needed something to keep my mind occupied rather than allow myself to turn bitchy and unpleasant to be around. But back at home and coaxing those first words out for Part III seemed well nigh impossible. I needed to change my style from a time line narrative to something more free and open, where I allow myself to become the person I am now … not the person I was back during the days before I took control of my life and began the process of healing from the trauma I’d been through.

But it was hard for me to change costumes. Since I started this project, I’d drag out the old screwed-up me every day, dressed in her victimhood and write in her voice. I’ve been doing that for almost a year now and had gotten pretty good at. Through the writing process the pain of that time has now been dealt with and I no longer feel the hurt, the dread or the fear I made myself return to in order to begin my travels back in time. Who says writing isn’t healing?

In my first attempts to move forward in time, my natural instinct was to return to that old time driven story which I wanted to be done with. I wanted Part III to be more open, philosophical, and forgiving of those who had done me wrong. Whenever I began to write about my process of healing I was drawn into the conflict of who to be … Joan, past or present. The result? Nothing! So I gave myself some time to relax and clean out a few closets, which seemed to be a natural remedy for the undertaking of making the shift I wanted. I read through journals of my healing time and otherwise occupied my time with seeing friends and having some fun.

Knowing that I was going to see my writing coach, Kevin, this week, I sat down on the weekend in front of the screen to see what would happen. I typed a few beginning words. I didn’t like them. I deleted them, took a deep breath, and started again. It took a while but before too long I was on my way to writing the transition chapter into Part III. Monday night having finished that chapter, I started another. Same thing. I couldn’t stand the opening words I chose, deleted them and tried again. Words started to pour out in bucket loads. The next morning I sat down again to continue work on that chapter and wrote another five hundred words before my appointment with Kevin. I didn’t want to stop. All I want to do now is keep going. I have no difficulty getting back to where I was after taking breaks and I seem to have entered the third phase of my book without further difficulty.

As in the past when I’ve had difficulty writing, I’ve taken some time off and allowed the project to simmer on a back burner. Sure, I pissed and moaned about my lack of words, but eventually when I stopped fighting it, I was able to relax and try again. It has always worked.

How do you end periods of being unable to write? I’d love to hear about your ways of getting back to work.

Filed Under: Memoir, Navigating Through Life, The Journey, Writing Tagged With: Change, Moving Forward, Time, trust, winter landscape, writer's block