Why Vulnerability is a Gift in Memoir Writing

June 17, 2014 By
Flicker Creative Commons

Flicker Creative Commons

This week I’m honored to welcome, Kathy Pooler,  my very first guest blogger. Her upcoming memoir, will be published next month.  I’ve enjoyed reading Kathy’s blog posts for over a year and when I discovered that she was writing a memoir about abusive relationships, I wanted to get to know her better.  Abuse is also an important topic for me as well. Last month I got to read her final draft, an uplifting story about emotional, domestic abuse and the two failed marriages she left behind.

A huge problem in our society today, domestic violence, both physical and psychological, destroys lives and families all around us, every day. Many women, and men, too, stay with their abusers, afraid to leave them, believing that he or she will mend their ways and become the dream spouse they thought they had married.

Kathy’s courageous story is about her journey through hell and back in order to protect her children and herself.  She transforms from a submissive, naive young woman, into a mature, take-charge  adult, willing to take risks in order to become the confident and loving wife and mother she is today.  It’s filled with lessons for those among us who find themselves in similar relationships.

Do keep an eye out for Kathy’s book next month.  You won’t be disappointed.

***

 Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” ― Brené Brown

Kathy Pooler

Kathy Pooler

How do you write about pain that was so deep, you don’t even remember how you felt?

You blocked it, buried it, stored it away for another time, then went about the business of your life. Going through the motions, Doing the best you could . Trying not to think about it.

Too. Darn. Painful.

That was me at age thirty with two small children, knowing I had to leave their father. And again at age forty when I had to flee in broad daylight with my children from a second marriage for fear of physical abuse. I had no choice. It was a matter of survival.

For years, I lived with guilt and shame when I faced the reality that my choices led to two emotionally abusive marriages and years of turmoil for myself and my two children. That shame hung around me like an uninvited guest who taunted and harrassed. I journaled my way through it, went to counseling sessions, prayed, cried, shared with friends, but all of that did not change the fact that I could not un-do the damage that had been done. I lingered in a sea of self-doubt, confusion, regret that was too painful to confront head-on.

In my upcoming memoir Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse, I expose my vulnerabilities and flaws in order to find the answers to the question that plagued me for years:

How does a young woman from a loving Catholic family make so many wise decisions about career, yet so many poor decisions about love that she ends up escaping with her two children from her second husband for fear of physical abuse? 

 In order to write this story, I had to revisit the past I kept hiding from. I had to dig deeply and keep digging. In doing so I had to be willing to look at my mistakes and failures.

I had to allow myself to be vulnerable.

None of this was easy or painless.  Many times, I put the story aside to give myself some breathing room.

When I was in the midst of the writing, I didn’t even know what my story was. I just kept writing whatever came to mind.

I began searching. I looked for pictures from the mid-70s of a young father reading to his children who were nestled in his lap. I listened to 1970s music. “Jeremiah was a bullfrog, from Joy to the World took me back to the night we were engaged. Happy faces. Hopes. Dreams.

The marriage that couldn’t be started with the same hopes and dreams of any twenty-something couple in the 1970s then took a turn down an unfamiliar road, a point of no return. And again, in the 1980s when a second chance marriage at the age of thirty-nine left me fighting for my life.

Through the vulnerability—the raw, searing pain of self-discovery—I slowly began to feel compassion for the young woman who tried so hard to have a loving relationship and provide her children with a stable home.

Writing helped me to heal. After a while, I began to experience compassion and a spirit of forgiveness toward the men I chose to marry.

I embraced my inner strength and developed insights into my motivations and decisions.

I forgave myself.

The guilt and shame melted away as I realized I acted in good faith. In writing Ever Faith ful to His Lead, I discovered that I had become a stronger person as a result of all I had endured and it has left me feeling transformed and empowered.

Vulnerability is not a weakness. It took courage and perseverance to break down the tight shell I had created around myself to protect myself from the truth.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to blossom” Anais Nin

I had to face the darkness before I could see the light.

In writing my memoir, I have let the pain go with a spirit of forgiveness, compassion and understanding. Ever Faithful to His Lead provides a message of hope, resilience and courage that I want to share with those who need it the most—women who need to claim and honor their own strength within to find freedom from abuse.

Vulnerability has been a gift that has allowed me to heal and share a healing message.

***

 Kathleen Pooler is a writer and a retired Family Nurse Practitioner whose memoir, Ever Faithful to His Lead: My Journey Away From Emotional Abuse and work-in-progress sequel, Hope Matters: A Memoir are about how the power of hope through her faith in God helped her to transform, heal and transcend life’s obstacles and disappointments:  domestic abuse, divorce, single parenting, loving and letting go of an alcoholic son, cancer and heart failure to live a life of joy and contentment. She believes that hope matters and that we are all strengthened and enlightened when we share our stories.

She lives with her husband Wayne in eastern New York.

She blogs weekly at her Memoir Writer’s Journey blog: http://krpooler.com
Twitter @kathypooler     https://twitter.com/KathyPooler
LinkedIn: Kathleen Pooler: https://www.linkedin.com/pub/kathleen-pooler/16/a95/20a
Google+:Kathleen Pooler: https://plus.google.com/109860737182349547026/posts
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4812560-kathleen-pooler
Facebook:
Personal page,
Kathy Pooler : https://www.facebook.com/kathleen.pooler
Author page:
Kathleen Pooler/Memoir Writer’s Journey: https://www.facebook.com/memoirwritersjourney
Pinterest  (http://www.pinterest.com/krpooler/)

One of her stories “The Stone on the Shore” is published in the anthology: “The Woman I’ve Become: 37 Women Share Their Journeys From Toxic Relationships to Self-Empowerment” by Pat LaPointe, 2012.
 Another story: “Choices and Chances” is published in the  “My Gutsy Story Anthology” by Sonia Marsh, September, 2013.

 

Filed Under: Abusive Relationships, Domestic Abuse, Memoir, Mental Health, Navigating Through Life, Trauma Tagged With:

I’ve Joined The Writing Process Blog Tour

June 10, 2014 By
Max always keeps me company as I write.

Max always keeps me company as I write.

Writing friends are the best.  They’re brilliant, kind, and happy to share their knowledge when you need a hand. I first met Becca Rowan, many years ago when I started my first blog, Rivanna River Days.  We’ve been following each other online ever since. Last week she invited me to join her on The Writing Process Blog Tour. By answering just a few questions, I can share my writing process with old and new friends perhaps inspiring another writer to get to work on their long dreamed of project. I’m thrilled to  be able to join the other writers that have participated before me.

Question One: What are you currently working on? I’m currently revising the first draft of my memoir, ME, MYSELF, AND MOM: A Journey Through Love, Hate, and Healing. It’s about my taking on the role of being my mother’s caretaker during her final years, and how we lived together doing the best we could in an already difficult relationship It’s also about how I became a whole person, leaving hatred and anger behind me, while learning that forgiveness is not about forgetting. It’s about understanding the human psyche so that we can love the difficult people in our lives and heal the abuse that too often rules the behavior of entire families.

Question Two: Why do I write what I do?  I’ve never read much fiction. My favorite reads are creative nonfiction, especially memoir, autobiography, and biography. I always learn valuable lesson when I visit the lives of the people I read about, often seeing the world and its troubles in new and different ways. But mostly I’m writing this book is because it has helped me heal.  Also, I’m often told that my story is inspiring and it is with that hope, that I am moving forward to publication.

Question Three: How does my work differ from others of this genre?   Well, it’s similar in that it’s a memoir. It is also similar in that it mirrors Joseph Campbell’s, concept of the hero’s journey, which is reflected in many memoirs. But every memoir differs. They are stories about one individual’s life.  All of our stories are all different, and we learn to live with what we have been dealt with in dissimilar ways. My story is my own.  It’s about how I dealt with my mother at the end of her life. It’s about how I was thrust into a world of bitterness and fear, and came out the other side, a happy, forgiving person.

Question Four: How does my writing process work?  Writing is an organic process for me. I try to write every morning for two hours and usually produce about five to six hundred words at a sitting.  If I can get more time in later in the day, that’s a bonus. I keep a journal into which I enter new ideas for my writing as they arise as well as writing my way through any difficulties I may be having.  I update my blog once every week with short essays on topics that are important to me and how my work is progressing.

I don’t wait for inspiration to get me going.  I just show up in my studio, sit down at my computer and write.  Sometimes it’s good.  Sometimes it’s very bad. Often I think that what I’ve just written is brilliant until I read it a second time. I try to repair what I can, then put it aside and work on something else for a while. When I go back to the original piece I usually try to find a way around the problems it has. If I can’t fix it, I will occasionally toss it. But most often I set it aside again and work on it later until I get it right.

That’s my process. We all have a different way of getting our words down on paper.  I would like to invite the following three writers to join me on the tour.  I always love reading what Jeri Leach has to say, as well the words of Dorothy Hoffman Sander, and Valerie Rind. Of course, anyone who writes can come along on the tour and share their process.

Keep your stories flowing!

Filed Under: Memoir, The Journey, The Process, Writing

EXERCISING MIND AND BODY

June 3, 2014 By

IMG_1643It’s June. Half the year is shot. I was glad to see winter melt into spring, but the worst of Virginia weather is before us with its heat and humidity. Summer is not my favorite time of year here.  Spring and the fall are my favorite seasons at the base of the Blue Ridge Mountains.  On the best of days the temperature is just right, somewhere in the mid-seventies. There’s usually a nice breeze and lots of sunshine. Often afternoon showers water my garden for me.

I rise early, walk the dogs, then I leave the dogs behind and go on what I call a “Hood Hike.”  I pick up my speed and get my heart pumping, rather than lollygagging around every shrub and blade of grass, so that Max and Sam can read the doggie newspaper.

There are lots of hills in the neighborhood. They work just about every muscle in my lower body.  A former neighbor named the worst one, “Killer Hill.” I don’t even like driving up it.  It feels like I’m shooting for the moon.  But it’s rather short and sweet and I try to do it a couple of times a week to really get my heart going. I’ve seen several people run up, but I’d rather die.

This past winter on one of our worst snow days, the kids in the area built moguls on that snowy incline, sliding down on sleds and trays over, and through their hand-made obstacle course. Parents stood at either end guarding the route so that nobody would get hit by a car.  Most of us never use that hill under those conditions anyway. It’s too steep and would be impossible to navigate unless you have four-wheel drive.

With warmer temperatures just days away, I’m beginning to plan my summer exercise strategy.  On hot days I’ll get up even earlier to walk.  But if I can’t get myself out of bed, I’ll use my old cross-trainer in my air-conditioned studio.  I could also walk at dusk, but sometimes it’s even too hot then.

For a few years now I’ve often spent hot days cooling off in my neighbors pool. But they’re filling it in now.  I don’t blame them a bit.  It’s a lot of work to keep a pool clean. They also have two young grandchildren who visit frequently.  Those kids would need to wear life preservers all the time to keep the adults from stressing out. However, there is a very nice city pool nearby that I’ll probably start going to during lap time, when there are no kids making waves.

Exercising my mind, I’ll spend several hours each day sitting at my computer as I rewrite my memoir.  I have already gotten started and am having lots of fun with it. I enjoy this part of the process even more than writing the first draft.  Now I have all the puzzle pieces before me. All I have to do is put them back together again in a new way.  It’s like working on one of those huge, complicated jig-saw puzzles you open up when you visit the seashore during the late fall or early winter and the wind is howling. It’s too cold to walk on the beach and you don’t feel like reading.

It is easier said than done, of course. There is always lots of frustration included in the fun.  But when the puzzle is finally put together in just the right way, it spells out masterpiece.

What do you do to  exercise your body and brain during the heat of summer?

 

Filed Under: Exercising, Healthy Living, Memoir, Mental Health, Puzzles, The Seasons, Writing Tagged With:

The Creative Nonfiction Writing Conference In Pittsburgh

May 27, 2014 By
Dale Chihuly's art glass at the Phipps.

Dale Chihuly’s art glass at the Phipps.

I’m home from a great weekend in Pittsburgh, where I spent my days with other writers as we explored the genre of Creative Nonfiction, hosted by the magazine of the same name.  Held at the University Club at the University of Pittsburgh, the setting was perfect.  I stayed in a hotel in the neighborhood and enjoyed my morning and late afternoon walks back and forth.  Though I’m not one for sitting for long periods of time, my interest was held firmly by the presentations and the information I received.

Friday was all about the publishing process. Presentations about the role of literary magazines in a writer’s career, self-publishing, the benefits of going with a small press, and crowdfunding by experts in the their fields were helpful.

I especially enjoyed talks by Dinty W. Moore, writer and editor of Brevity, an online magazine that publishes creative nonfiction essays of  750 words or less.  Lee Gutkind, founder and editor of Creative Nonfiction magazine, imparted with great wisdom and enthusiasm, his love for the genre along with its history.  He is considered by Vanity Fair, to be the Godfather behind the nonfiction movement.

Editor and agent, Emily Loose, brought insight to the ever changing landscape of the publishing industry, helping us to explore the pros and cons of both traditional publishing and self publishing. For those interested in crowdfunding, CEO of Inkshares, Larry Levitsky, spoke about his company. Hattie Fletcher, of In Fact Books, and Michael Simms, of Autumn House Press, discussed working with a small press.

Saturday, was my favorite part of the conference.  “Style & Substance: The Craft of  Creative Nonfiction,” and it’s various aspects were discussed by Dinty W. Moore and Lee Gutkind. They were followed by novelist and memoir writer, Jane Bernstein and then memoirist and nonfiction writer, Peter Trachtenberg.  I was inspired by every word they had to say and felt I’d fallen into a delicious garden of wisdom.  As a result, I’m beginning the rewrite of my book all over again to hopefully include some of the ideas they passed on.  That same afternoon I had a private consultation with Emily Loose, who gave me some excellent advice about approaching an agent and the need to take one’s time in the editing process.

On Sunday morning I went a writing session where CNF’s Boot Camp style of writing prompts and motivational techniques were used.  I discovered that I have more difficulty writing with pen and paper than I do writing on my computer.  It used to be just the opposite.   In the afternoon, I met with Dinty Moore and six other writers for a critique of the work we had all brought to the conference.  It was extremely helpful and validated the thoughts I’d had the previous day about how to make my memoir even better than it already is :-).  I loved it.

In between all that, I was given a fantastic tour of the Phipps Conservatory and Botanical Garden, by a fellow writer and new friend.  I loved seeing the glasswork of Dale Chihuly, tucked into the lushness of the gardens.  I also helped my husband, scout out St. Anne Cemetery for the graves sites of several of his ancestors.  He spent his weekend exploring graveyards and old houses, getting ready to do some writing about his family of origin.

We also enjoyed fabulous food. Legume, a farm to table restaurant, and Paris 66, a French bistro, were Bill’s and my favorites. I even managed to stay with my gluten and sugar-free way of eating without missing the sweetness of outragious desserts or the tang of freshly baked sourdough bread right from the oven.

I would highly recommend this conference to anyone who is in the throws of starting or is in the midst of a nonfiction writing project.  I learned a lot and enjoyed my time surrounded by other writers, all of whom had their own wisdom to share. I enjoyed the laid back atmosphere without sales hype, just the passing along of valuable information. Maybe I’ll go again next year!

Filed Under: Books, Creative Nonfiction, Memoir, Travels, Writing, Writing conferences Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , ,

How To Write A Synopsis

May 20, 2014 By

IMG_1117I’m getting a lot of exercise these days. I don’t mean working out at the gym or hiking in the gorgeous Blue Ridge Mountains just thirty minutes from my doorstep. It’s my brain and fingers that are getting the exercise. After having sent the first draft of my memoir, ME, MYSELF, AND MOM, A Journey Through Love, Hate, and Healing, to a number of beta readers, I’m now in the midst of a rewrite before I send it off to a developmental editor.

A month or so ago I started reading Brooke Warner’s, How To Sell Your Memoir.  I put the book down just after reading the section about writing a synopsis.  I thought I was getting ahead of myself and figured I’d  go back to it later, after I’d finished my rewrite. But life has a way of doing its own thing. While I waited for two of my readers to get their comments and recommendations to me, I put my rewrite on hold. I wanted to see all the comments together before I jumped in.

Not wanting to waste time, I contacted a developmental editor who had been highly recommended to me by a writing friend. Yes, he was interested in working with me.  He liked my website and said it sounded like I had a powerful story to tell.  He then asked me to write a synopsis of my book … a page and a half in length … so that he could see where I was going.  Having recently finished reading that section  in Brooke Warner’s book, I said, “I can do that. I’ll get it off to you in a few days.”  I figured it would be easy. It took me a good week and a half to finally get it together. I’ve never sweated so much in my life. It seemed an impossible task.

When I showed it to my writing coach, Kevin, he said it would suffice for my editor, but that it  had to be rewritten if I was going to use it to sell my book; as in sending it to an agent or publisher, or anyone else for that matter.  “You’ve left out some of the most important details,” he said. “You need to sell yourself and your story in order to get attention.” For me, an introvert, that’s easier said than done. I’m not good at self praise and don’t like to sound like I have a big head.

I began to rewrite it, figuring it would be a great thing to take along to the Creative Nonfiction Writing Conference I’m planning to attend this coming weekend in Pittsburgh.  I added some key elements, and then got caught up in rewriting my book after those two readers finally sent me their comments.

As I started gathering  materials to take with me, I remembered I’d signed up to be in a small critique group.  They asked a piece under 3,000 words. If it is to be part of a book, it was suggested I send a one paragraph synopsis along with it. I thought, “Okay, maybe a one paragraph synopsis will be easier than the two page job.“ 

But how do you tell a long story in one paragraph? It took me three days to do it. It was so hard. I think I need to get involved in writing flash memoir, something that other writers have been talking about lately.  Anyway, I sent it in with a chapter from my book.

Then a few days ago, I got an email saying that Amy Loose, an independent editor and agent  who would present a talk on, “Publishing In The Digital Age,’’ was also available for one-on-one meetings with conference attendees.  Still not knowing whether I want to self-publish or go with a small press, I figured meeting with her could only add to of my knowledge.  So I signed up and got started on …  Yes, another synopsis.  This time the requirements were for one page, double spaced. Yikes!

I’m working on it … Pulling apart the longer version and taking a look at the single paragraph to see how I can come up with something in-between.  It’s making me a bit looney.  I’d rather work on the  Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle. But damn, I am learning how to do this.

Still at work on the original synopsis, along with my book rewrite, I’m finding the more hours I put in the easier it gets.  I plan on taking all three synopses with me this weekend.  The book will wait until I get home.

Do you find writing synopses hard?

Filed Under: Memoir, Travels, Writing Tagged With: , , ,
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