Crazy Sally Down On Her Luck

January 27, 2015 By

DSC01570

These days, on Sunday mornings around eight AM, and before most people are stirring, I take a short drive to the grocery store to do my big weekly grocery shop. Even at that hour, in the cold of winter or the heat summer, in pouring rain and blustering wind, at every street light that I stop at, stands a homeless person holding a cardboard sign asking for help because they don’t have a job and are homeless.

I suppose it’s because I’m a woman, that I’m mostly drawn to the growing number of women on those corners. There’s the one who wears old camouflage clothing, was on crutches for a while, then had a leg brace. A few weeks ago, for the first time there was one who looked to be in her forties and had a hard, mean look about her. She glared at me and held up a sign that said she needed to buy gas for her car so she could get to her job. I haven’t seen her since. Last fall there was a very young women with only one leg, who looked like she might be a wounded warrior from the looks of the shiny prosthetic she was wearing. Too often, our young veterans return from war wounded, are fixed up with these devices, and because of other problems like PTSD and/or drug addiction, find themselves without work or a place to live.

We can make up a gazillion stories about these women, but in truth we don’t know their stories unless we stop and talk to them. So why do some with jobs and warm, cozy homes think of them as useless when they quickly walk or drive by without even a glance?

When I wrote this poem in 2006, I was concerned by the growing number of homeless people I was noticing. I was called to try to put myself in the shoes of an aging woman who many called crazy, but was not, was down on her luck, and had led a difficult life.

my name is sally

i’m sixty-three
found two dollars
in change not enough
for coffee a sandwich
tomato lettuce
tuna on rye
i’ll wait
a few crusts here
and there collect
coins in my cup
watch for the cop
no loitering
sleeping
in doorways
on grates
it’s winter
i’m tired
almost out
of aspirin my knees
the pain so sharp
it’s hard to move
fast when i see
big john
he scares me
yells and shouts
tries to grab
my hair
when he’s
drunk
i lost my comb
the other day
when i fell
into the street
cars kept coming
no one stopped
it’s cold
need
a place
in sun
no wind
tonight
it could
snow

JZR

9/13/06

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Insight Dialogue And What Is Most Important To Us

January 19, 2015 By
Lotus © Joan Z. Rough

Lotus © Joan Z. Rough

This past Saturday I returned to the annual, Insight Dialogue Retreat, that one of my favorite people and teachers, Sharon Beckman-Brindley, teaches here in Charlottesville, as an offering of the Insight Meditation Community of Charlottesville.

These retreats have been scheduled every January for the past several years, and it’s a magical way to start the New Year. By the end of the day, one participant wanted to know, why we all had to go home. “Couldn’t we just keep going?” My feelings exactly, except I really did need a break to go home, eat dinner, and have a good night’s sleep. But had the retreat been scheduled to continue on Sunday, I would have been there in a heart beat.

Insight Dialogue, is the practice of working with a partner to whom we speak and listen to, as we contemplate a series of questions on a given theme. This year’s theme was about intentions and what is important to us as we navigate through our lives. As we slowly walked around the room, we were stopped by the instructor and told to engage a partner for the first contemplation, find seats across from each other, and decide who would be the first speaker.

Our first contemplation was, “What are the intentions you wish to carry with you throughout your life?” We were all encouraged to relax and pause if the speaker needed time to pull his or her thoughts together, or the listener needed time to banish intrusive thoughts. Each pause provided stillness in which new thoughts and insights arose and could be added to the conversation.

The speakers were then directed to talk about a difficulty in their lives and how they might use their intentions to make the situation less difficult. Other questions followed, with the speaker addressing what was true for them, always pausing to reflect on new insights.  The listener then had a chance to respond to the speaker and  talk about how the speaker’s words affected them.

Exchanging roles from speaker to listener and listener to speaker, the process began again, with the new speaker answering the same or similar questions. We were continuously reminded to relax, pause, close our eyes, and take a deep breath when necessary.

Except for the time that dialogue was taking place, we spent the rest of our time in silence, even during breaks and while having lunch, allowing more time for us to continue our own contemplations of our intentions.

Continuing on into the afternoon, additional questions with new partners were contemplated, each taking a turn at addressing the questions being asked. By the end of the afternoon we had each shared contemplations with three other people.

It’s always an amazing and cleansing activity for me, as I dig deep to find my truth, and practice being an intent listener. It becomes very clear that insights arise during our brief pauses, when we are in the moment.

The first time I went to one of these retreats, I had no idea what to expect and was very nervous about speaking so openly and intimately about myself and my inner world. But it’s become a yearly ritual for me and each time I come away with new insights about myself and inspiration from those I sit and speak with.  Often long lasting friendships are forged.

This time around I discovered that I’ve always kept the good things I feel about myself under wraps. Saturday afternoon, while discussing the good things that we do as we move through our lives, I realized, I’d been taught as a young girl that it was incorrect to talk about my goodness. Good little girls were not supposed to speak about how nice we were. It was a form of bragging and always seemed to bring on the same response to the silly questions I often asked … silence.

As a result, I was led to believe that the good things I did were unimportant. Only the bad things, like doing something stupid, talking back to my parents, or disobeying them, counted in any description of who I was at the time, both in my mother and father’s minds, as well as my own.

I also learned that I’d already used one of my intentions for this new year. I DARED to post a somewhat controversial, political essay last week here on my blog. I don’t normally like to do that. I like to be positive at all times, and dislike confrontation and disagreement. I’d learned early on to keep my mouth shut about things like that. Although no one needs to agree with what I wrote, I’m rather proud of myself for standing up and speaking out about an issue that was of great concern to me.

Setting intentions for a day, a year, or a lifetime are always good things to do.  If you have intentions for the next ten minutes, this coming year, or for the rest of your life, what are they and how do see yourself manifesting them?

Filed Under: Insight Dialogue, Intentions, Matters of the Spirit, Meditation, Navigating Through Life Tagged With: ,

Satire, Black Comedy, and Terrorism

January 12, 2015 By
Yellowstone National Park, February, 2007.

Yellowstone National Park, February, 2007.

The past week’s abhorrent shootings in Paris are said to be the beginning of a new age of terrorism that some say cannot be stopped. Cities like London, New York, and Los Angeles are prime targets for insane fundamentalist activity, and there are new terror alerts posted everywhere. We’re told to be vigilant and be aware of everything that is going on around us.  On my last trip on Amtrak, there were signs all over place saying, “If You See Something, Say Something,” encouraging travelers like myself to speak up about any unsettling activity they notice as we move from place to place.

I do not support or defend those who killed the French cartoonists and the hostages and I strongly believe in freedom of speech. But I’m forced to wonder that if we stopped lambasting other people’s religions, spirituality, and those who are different from us, things might change just a little bit.

I believe that much of today’s humor, like the “jokes” I heard at the Golden Globe’s on Sunday night, is shamefully distasteful. Was it really necessary to roast Bill Cosby, for his detestable behavior toward women on a program that is supposed to be celebrating creativity and brilliance? Cosby is already being punished for his acts of uninvited sexual advances, even though it hasn’t yet been proven in a court of law.

I personally do not find humor based on anger to be funny. It is hurtful.

In satire or black humor, people aren’t maimed or gunned down in hate crimes like those in Paris, but they can be hurt none-the-less. Consider the number of gay men and women, young and old, who have committed suicide because others have had “fun” calling them monsters of one sort or another.

Our country, “The Land of The Free and home of the brave,” has always had terrorists among us. There are hate crimes committed every day here, and those who commit them are not usually Muslims.

Remember the Civil Rights Movement, and the number of innocent African Americans who suffered at the hands of “upstanding, Christian” white people?

I recently spent a few days with a person who is not an American citizen. His satirical rants about “you Americans,” set my generally positive attitude towards everyone on edge. By the end of his visit I was more than a bit offended.

There are “Ugly Americans” among us, as William J. Lederer and Eugene Burdick, coined them in their book by that same title in 1958. We are just as hateful as anybody else and often behave miserably when we visit other countries. But we’re also responsible for doing great things around the world for people who are different from us.

Other countries also do great things for the world. Sometimes their people make the headlines like, Pakistani, Malala Yousafzai, the youngest Nobel Prize laureate ever, who works on behalf of girls and women and their right to be educated. Others humbly struggle to make things right, without recognition. But those who get the most recognition, are the haters and fundamentalists who shoot and blow innocent people up.

The gathering of people and officials from all over the world, who rallied in Paris on Sunday, heartened me. What a wonderful way of bringing people of all ethnicities together in support of free speech and peace. I am ashamed, however, that our administration chose not to send a higher official to participate with the other world leaders who felt it was their duty to be there. It has been reported that Attorney General, Eric Holder, was in Paris at the time, but did not to attend.

Some of us complain about needing to be politically correct all of the time. But I believe that doing so is an act of kindness, and that we’d go a long way in diminishing some the hatred we’re witnessing in our world today, if we just a bit more careful.

If we can be kind and helpful to those around us, rather than put them down because they believe in a different God than we do, maybe we can make a difference in what happens in our world. It probably won’t stop terrorists from blowing up innocent people, but it’s a step in the right direction. By doing so, we can mend the hearts of many and take the first step in bringing peace and unity to all of the people we share our beautiful planet with.

Filed Under: Black Humor, Paris, Satire, Terrorism, War, wonderings

Cleansing Body, Heart and Soul

January 5, 2015 By

IMG_1331Have you ever noticed that when you clean out a closet and take a few pieces of clothing to the Salvation Army that you feel good?

You may feel lighter and that you’ve done a good deed. The same thing happens for me when I clear my desk of all the papers that have been building up over the last few months. Some of those papers go in the trash. Others will be filed away. My energy level goes up and I feel my shoulders relax. I’m at ease.

For the past six months my studio/office has gone to hell. Often feeling overwhelmed by the things on my todo list, I let everything else pile up. The higher the pile gets, the deeper the pit in my stomach grows. My shoulders rise to the level of my ears and begin to hurt.

I’ve grown tired of looking at the stack of books I’ve read and want to review, the bits and pieces of paper with notes written on them that I no longer understand, and the many hardcopies of my memoir that keeps changing even when I think I’m done.

I can’t decide whether it’s best to keep all those paper copies or send them through the shredder. I’ve been saving them just in case I need to go back and reconsider a passage that I’ve deleted in the current revision. I do have all of it backed up on my computer and its connected storage gadget, as well as on Bill’s computer. Do I need all these copies? My studio is over my garage, a separate building from my house. The catastrophizer part of me says:

IMG_1335“God forbid the whole internet goes down or there is a fire and both buildings burn. Isn’t it a good idea to have a few paper copies, as well as all the digital backups? Should I put a hardcopy of the memoir in a strongbox and bury it somewhere in the garden just in case both buildings burn?” I tell myself, “Give me break,” then continue to let things pile up, secretly wishing for a fire to burn it all up so I can relax. 🙂

The new year is before me and I have about a week before I start working with my new editor. I desperately need to clean up of the studio so that I can work more efficiently.

Clearing my space will equal a cleansing of my heart and soul. I will know where everything is. My physical body will walk upright, rather than stooped under the weight of the “stuff” I’m saving. My energy level will rev up, all my worries will fade, and my next revision will be even better than the last. Holding this space for my work, is the best thing that I can do for myself, the manuscript, and it will keep my muse from taking a vacation.

IMG_1336So far I’ve got a bag of books that will go to the local library for their used book sale in the spring. My desk where I sit writing now, is cleared of unnecessary papers and even my computer desk top is looking spacious. I’m sorting through the pile of papers that either need trashing or filing. There is now only one of receipts and such, that need to be filed away. And I’ve already made several trips to the garbage can with stuff that I don’t need.

I feel great.

The next cleansing I’ll do is a 10 day sugar detox. I did a 21 day sugar detox last April, lost 18 pounds and felt terrific. I’ve done really well until late fall and the arrival of the holidays. I not only started eating sugary things again, I felt deprived and started eating things made from wheat, which I’m supposed to stay away from because I have an intolerance to gluten. Thankfully, I’ve only gained four pounds back which I feel I can get rid of easily.

But while I was busy satisfying my sweet tooth and eating yummy home made bread, I felt sick. Brain fog and exhaustion took over. Once I caught on to what was happeningand stopped eating that crap, it took four days to feel better.  I’m now off gluten again and most sugar. My energy levels are up again and my brain is thinking clearly. The 10 day detox, coming up next week, will be a time of getting rid of all the residual toxins that are still causing cravings.

When that’s done I’ll be good as new and will most likely begin letting piles of stuff grow again. This time around I hope I’ll do something about all that stuff before I need a fire to clean the place up.

What are your ways of cleansing your, body, heart and soul? I’d love to hear about them!

Filed Under: A New Year, Change, The Process Tagged With: , ,

Intentions For A Happy Year Ahead

December 29, 2014 By
Chihouly exhibit, January, 2013, Virginia Museum of Fine Arts

Chihuly exhibit, January, 2013, Virginia Museum of Fine Arts

For the past several years I have chosen a word to carry with me through the year, reminding me of the inner work I have to do over the coming days.

You could call these words resolutions of sorts. Like working out on a daily basis, increasing my intake of lots of fresh vegetables and fruit, and leaving sugar and all sweet stuff behind. But those resolutions don’t always work for me. They require a kind of do or die attitude that makes me anxious and is connected to success and failure. We all love to succeed, but being a failure can set us back into old patterns and behaviors that are not healthy. A single word or phrase, on the other hand, is not a directive of what I must do. It is simply something to think about and watch for as I navigate through life with the hopes of being a better person.

Last year I chose “audacity,” which led me to words like confidence and courage, both of which I felt needed to be strengthened. I was not, however, interested in other connotations of the word, like cheeky, defiant, and impudent. I’ve been all of those things at different times in my life and those are not traits I need or want to reinforce.

I do believe my confidence and courage has grown over the past year. I began writing guest posts for other bloggers and invited a few to write guest posts here. I finished the “shitty” first draft of my book. And then with a vast amount of courage, sent it out to beta readers and an editor. I learned a lot. Like it isn’t the end of the world if someone doesn’t like what I’ve written and that I need all of the help I can get to make my memoir the best that it can be.

This coming year I will start making my way on the path to publishing. I hope that within the next year or so my book will be available in book stores and on line. It all depends on a lot of things, like whether or not I can make it through another revision with one more editor.  I’m very much looking forward to working with her, and I’m feeling confident that I’m on the right track.

On occasion, I’ve thought about leaving my book project behind. Writing it has certainly brought me peace and healing, which was my goal from the beginning. Even without another revision it is together enough for future family members to read. But I’m past the point of saying, “Okay, enough already.” I know that what I have written could be helpful to others in their own struggles through life.

But sending a book out into the world is a scary process and an enormous amount of work. I will need even more courage than I’ve built up over the last year, as well as a vast amount of patience, which I’ve never been great at.

I’ve decided that for the coming year I actually need more than one word to get me through what is before me. Though some are words I’ve worked with before, I’ve added A few new ones. First, I need to BELIEVE in myself and what I am capable of doing. I’ll need to DARE myself to move FORWARD with a whole lot of PATIENCE because I’ll likely stumble on occasion and will need to TRUST myself and those who will be helping me get through this scary process.

So there you have it:
DARE, BELIEVE, TRUST, PATIENCE, FORWARD.

What are your intentions for the coming year?

 

Filed Under: A New Year, Memoir, Navigating Through Life, Writing Tagged With: ,
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