How Do You Know When You Need Some Downtime?

DSC01745.JPG“Downtime is where we become ourselves, looking into the middle distance, kicking at the curb, lying on the grass or sitting on the stoop and staring at the tedious blue of the summer sky. I don’t believe you can write poetry, or compose music, or become an actor without downtime, and plenty of it, a hiatus that passes for boredom but is really the quiet moving of the wheels inside that fuel creativity.”
Margaret Roach

I finished the third rewrite of my manuscript on Wednesday afternoon. I was cross-eyed, had a headache, and felt like crap. I emailed it to my writing coach, Kevin. Then sent a note to my developmental editor, Dave, telling him I’d have one more look-see in the morning before sending it off to him the following day.

I woke up the next morning, still feeling awful. My eyes were crusted over, glued shut, and when I thought about taking another look at my manuscript, I got nauseous. I’d had a weird dream in which I didn’t know where I was. Though the place I was in wasn’t a prison, I felt imprisoned. I sat around a dining table with a bunch of other women. They were all smiling. Conversation was nonexistent. And there was no food on the table. The dream made me feel scared and very vulnerable.

I ate breakfast, took a quick walk, and sat down at my computer, intending to just glance through my “finished” draft. When it popped up on the screen, I knew I couldn’t do it. I was sick of it. Tired of rewriting, rereading the same-old, same-old, I’d been working on all summer long. Even the two brief “vacations” I ventured on hadn’t been enough to keep this excruciating burn out from happening.

Overcooked, like a stingy pot roast, I simply attached the draft to an email and sent it off to Dave, too exhausted to give a %#$@ about it. I had to get rid of it. I desperately needed time to simply be, without trying to be the perfect writer. A chronic overachiever, I had done myself in again. I cried some, argued with Bill a lot, and was a general pain in the butt, even to myself.

When Bill took off Saturday on one of his long planned theatre trips to New York, I went out into my garden and started deadheading faded blooms. I pulled weeds, tore out a whole section of dead, sun loving perennials that had been overtaken by dense shade, and thought about what to plant in their place next spring …  more ferns, lenten roses, and shade loving hostas.

After lunch, I took time to read a novel I’d been enjoying, then had a nap. When I went back into my studio, my head was much clearer. I started going through the long list of old emails on my computer that I’d been meaning to reread, but now found uninteresting. I deleted many of them. After a dinner of yummy left overs … locally made kielbasa and my fabulous potato salad, I finished the novel and tucked myself into bed at nine-thirty.

I’m on my way back to being my old self, again, but I need more rest and a lengthy break from the mind boggling material I’ve been writing about.  I hadn’t noticed how exhausted I’d become. Or how obsessed I’d been with my story and getting it right. I had just kept on rewriting, forgetting to take breaks when I couldn’t see the computer screen in front of me any longer.

I still need a real vacation. I’ll finish out this week without Bill, by doing as little as possible. Maybe I’ll go to a movie. I’ll start  reading a new book from the huge pile next to my bed, and perhaps sit in the garden in the evening, watching the night come on, listening as bird song is overtaken by the rattle of cicadas, crickets, and tree frogs. I’ll make myself some lucious rice pudding, and take long, lingering naps every afternoon.

Even the things we love doing, like writing, can become overwhelming if we don’t remember to provide ourselves with downtime.

As for perfection … there is no such thing. No matter how many time I rewrite my story, it will never be perfect. And it might actually begin to lose its sheen as I dab away at its yet unseen glow.

Yes, there will be at least one more rewrite, but before that happens, a little self-care is in order.

How do you know when you need downtime?

Living In The Moment

DSCF0400I’m blogging over at http://marycgottschalk.com/living-in-the-moment/ today, writing about living in the moment. I hope you enjoy.

I’ll be back here next week with a blog about the robots that could soon be arriving in our lives.

I hope you all have a Happy Fourth of July!!

I’ve Joined The Writing Process Blog Tour

Max always keeps me company as I write.

Max always keeps me company as I write.

Writing friends are the best.  They’re brilliant, kind, and happy to share their knowledge when you need a hand. I first met Becca Rowan, many years ago when I started my first blog, Rivanna River Days.  We’ve been following each other online ever since. Last week she invited me to join her on The Writing Process Blog Tour. By answering just a few questions, I can share my writing process with old and new friends perhaps inspiring another writer to get to work on their long dreamed of project. I’m thrilled to  be able to join the other writers that have participated before me.

Question One: What are you currently working on? I’m currently revising the first draft of my memoir, ME, MYSELF, AND MOM: A Journey Through Love, Hate, and Healing. It’s about my taking on the role of being my mother’s caretaker during her final years, and how we lived together doing the best we could in an already difficult relationship It’s also about how I became a whole person, leaving hatred and anger behind me, while learning that forgiveness is not about forgetting. It’s about understanding the human psyche so that we can love the difficult people in our lives and heal the abuse that too often rules the behavior of entire families.

Question Two: Why do I write what I do?  I’ve never read much fiction. My favorite reads are creative nonfiction, especially memoir, autobiography, and biography. I always learn valuable lesson when I visit the lives of the people I read about, often seeing the world and its troubles in new and different ways. But mostly I’m writing this book is because it has helped me heal.  Also, I’m often told that my story is inspiring and it is with that hope, that I am moving forward to publication.

Question Three: How does my work differ from others of this genre?   Well, it’s similar in that it’s a memoir. It is also similar in that it mirrors Joseph Campbell’s, concept of the hero’s journey, which is reflected in many memoirs. But every memoir differs. They are stories about one individual’s life.  All of our stories are all different, and we learn to live with what we have been dealt with in dissimilar ways. My story is my own.  It’s about how I dealt with my mother at the end of her life. It’s about how I was thrust into a world of bitterness and fear, and came out the other side, a happy, forgiving person.

Question Four: How does my writing process work?  Writing is an organic process for me. I try to write every morning for two hours and usually produce about five to six hundred words at a sitting.  If I can get more time in later in the day, that’s a bonus. I keep a journal into which I enter new ideas for my writing as they arise as well as writing my way through any difficulties I may be having.  I update my blog once every week with short essays on topics that are important to me and how my work is progressing.

I don’t wait for inspiration to get me going.  I just show up in my studio, sit down at my computer and write.  Sometimes it’s good.  Sometimes it’s very bad. Often I think that what I’ve just written is brilliant until I read it a second time. I try to repair what I can, then put it aside and work on something else for a while. When I go back to the original piece I usually try to find a way around the problems it has. If I can’t fix it, I will occasionally toss it. But most often I set it aside again and work on it later until I get it right.

That’s my process. We all have a different way of getting our words down on paper.  I would like to invite the following three writers to join me on the tour.  I always love reading what Jeri Leach has to say, as well the words of Dorothy Hoffman Sander, and Valerie Rind. Of course, anyone who writes can come along on the tour and share their process.

Keep your stories flowing!