A Letter To Santa

Store window, New York City, several years ago.

Dear Santa,

I’m sure you don’t remember me.  The last time I wrote was just before my best friend in second grade, told me that you didn’t exist. I was horrified and when I asked my mom about it, she smiled and said my friend was right.  I got mad and locked you away in a little trunk where I kept the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.  Way, way, way in the back of the attic.

I recently unpacked a few things from my last move, and found the tiny box I put you in so many years ago. There you were, covered with cobwebs, holding on tightly to the Tooth Fairy, and not giving the Bunny much room. I took you out, dusted you off and thought I’d bring you into my studio where I’d be able to look at you and rethink the idea of the giving of gifts and the spirit of the holidays we celebrate in December.

Yes, I know about baby Jesus and the great teacher he became. But when I got my knuckles wacked with a ruler in the religious instruction class my mom made me go to and the priest said my brothers and I didn’t exist in God’s eyes because our parents were married by a justice of the peace, I kind of gave up on all that.

Now I follow the teachings of the Buddha who never got hung up on the problem of who declared my parents married and whether or not you or I exist.  I concentrate on Loving Kindness and living in the present.  The Buddha has helped me see that behind every bit of darkness, there is light.  That I don’t have to jump through crazy hoops to be a good person. All I really need to do is be kind and never cause harm to others. Sounds like the same kind of thing Jesus taught, but got screwed up by a bunch of people who needed control over everything and everyone. What harm does a Justice of the Peace do by declaring two people who love each other married?  And what about if they are two women or two men instead of a man or a women? Who gets hurt?

I’m very discouraged by all of the hate in the world.  We seem to hate for such a wide variety of reasons … for who we love, the color of another’s skin, the religion they may follow, or wanting to win an election so that those guys lose control and us guys can come up with our own rules and make everyone do what we want them to do.

So Santa, I’m asking for your help.  Instead of bringing everyone all of the stuff they put on their wish lists, please give them the gift of tolerance for all of those we share our planet with.  Please include kindness, the ability to share, food for those who are hungry and a job for anyone who can’t find one on their own.  A roof to keep the weather out would also be a great idea.

With those kinds of gifts, everyone would begin believing in you again.  And the Buddha, Jesus, Mohammed and all of the other great teachers would love you and all of us too!

Joan’s Inner Child

Christmas Wonderings, 2010

Zoe's Snowman

On Christmas Eve I had a wonderful conversation with my 7-year-old grandson, Noah.  The day before he had told my husband that he really didn’t like living in the small town where he’s growing up in western North Carolina.  “It’s boring and you see the same old things every day,” he claimed.   So I asked him where he would like to live and he told me he’d love to live in a city like Washington, DC or Atlanta, which happen to be the biggest cities he’s ever visited.

He went on to tell me that when he grew up, he and his best friend Sam, would move to Atlanta and be housemates.  When I asked him how they would make money to pay for rent and food, he told me they’d  sell apples and bananas.  He also said he wouldn’t be seeing much of me because we live too far away and he wouldn’t even see his mom that much after he moved.  Then he exclaimed that besides his 6 silver dollars and the allowance he’d been saving up, his parents would give them money.  When I asked him if he thought his parents had plenty of money to do that, he exclaimed, “Oh, yes!”  Then he raced off to play without another word.

Later, after our evening meal, and the kids were tucked into bed excitedly awaiting the arrival of Ole Saint Nick, we adults sat around and talked about the state of the world and education in particular. We suddenly realized all at the same time, that in 6 short years, Zoe, aged 10 and in 5th grade, would be going off to college!   And Noah would follow 3 years later.

On Christmas day after all of the gifts were opened and a delicious dinner of honey-glazed ham and Perogis was shared, we spent a bit of time outside as snow fell covering the countryside like a soft quilt.  Zoe built a snowman, made angels in the snow.  Noah didn’t want to go out at first saying, “I don’t like to play in the snow.” He did however give in, tossing snowballs at his granddad and Deena as they shoveled the driveway, using the shovelings to construct a small mountain in the flat front yard. From this pinnacle, Zoe slid over and over again, each time gaining a bit more distance.

Afterwards, cuddling together on the couch and floor we sleepily watched the movie Elf, about a human baby who finds himself at the North Pole, having crawled into Santa’s bag of gifts when Santa was making a delivery at an orphanage.  The child grows up to be an elf working in Santa’s workshop.  Because of his size and his inability to do things the way elves do them, he goes off to New York City to find his father.  He brings holiday spirit to the big city, his father is transformed from an uncaring workaholic into the best dad ever and everyone lives happily ever after.  It’ a funny, silly little film starring Will Ferrell, and is perfect for a quiet, snowy Christmas afternoon.

But the film and perfectness of this Christmas day left me wondering if we are all living in a snow-globe fantasy, imagining how perfect our lives will be in the future, that there will be plenty of food and money for all, that everyone will have a college education and that there will be peace on earth forever.

Really???

Happy Holidays!

French beaded pointsettia and pine cones by jzr, 2007.

For the next week I will be taken up with family, my very special grandchildren, Santa Claus and all things Christmas.

My wish for you and the entire world is to enjoy a Blessed Holiday Season and a New Year filled with Love and Peace!

Joan

 

 

Anniversaries

My mom, during a happy day of perogi making! December,2006

We’re having a snowy day.  All of the area schools are closed and the roads are said to be icy, making driving hazardous.  But this is not Minnesota and we’re only supposed to get 3 to 4 inches.  Just enough for the kids in the neighborhood to build a small carrot-nosed snow man,  throw a few snowballs or sled down the steep winding hills that surround us.  For me, it’s a great day to settle in with a hot cup of spicy tea, a good book, forget about the Christmas Holiday ahead and just be kind to myself.

Yet a restlessness follows me through the rooms of my house like my cat,  Pepper, who shadows me as I go about my daily routines and sometimes causes me to trip as I move from one place to another.  But this restlessness is a quiet stumbling over things hidden in the passage of time.  It is the reminder that December is filled with anniversaries that can take away the pleasure from an already stressful time of year.

Thirty years ago my father died, and was buried on a snowy December day in Hanover, New Hampshire, in a plain pine box that my brother, Reid, built.  Five years ago this month, one of my most precious companions, Hannah, had a stroke, while she sat in my lap.  She was a Maine Coon cat, who really belonged to my daughter, but came to live with us and stayed, when Lisa was unable to care for her.  She had congestive heart failure and I took her that evening to the Emergency Vet and had her put to sleep.

The most difficult event occurred on the 18th of December, exactly four years ago tomorrow, when my mother, who was living with us, had a fall that marked the beginning of the end of her life.  She had recently been told by her oncologist that there was nothing more he could do to prevent her lung cancer from spreading.  Just before that Bill and I had taken away her car keys because she was a danger to herself and others on the road.

Not a happy camper, she took her suffering out on those closest to her. I was there.  Not the easiest person to live with under normal circumstances, she was narcissistic, an alcoholic and was still smoking though she knew she had cancer along with emphysema.  She was on oxygen, but would disconnect herself and step outside to have a smoke.

We’d invited her to live with us 7 years earlier when her health started going down hill.  At first she was very independent, and took care of most of her own needs.  But as time passed and she was diagnosed with cancer, I took on the role of caregiver to my parent.  It was something I wanted to do, not knowing that I was still trying to gain the love and acceptance that all children want from the person who birthed them.  Against much good advice not to put myself in that situation I began a very demanding, confusing and exhausting time.

I loved her.  I was heart-broken that there was little that I could do to help.  She was in denial about the cancer and whenever I tried to be helpful, I hit a brick wall.  She was a sweetheart one minute, a clown the next, and then a monster from hell.

I was no angel myself.  Mothers and daughters have a way of pushing each other’s buttons during the best of times. Oil and water!  She was stubborn and afraid of dying.  I was trying to help and gain her trust and acceptance, while asking her to see the truth of her situation.

On the day she fell, we had arranged by mutual consent for her to spend a few days in an assisted living situation that would give all of us some space.  With Christmas in the wings, the pressure was too great on all of us.  As she was packing, she got tangled in her oxygen hose and fell, breaking her left shoulder.  She was in a lot of pain and all she wanted to do after her visit to the emergency room was to come home.  So back she came, and we all tried to do the best we could.

Three days later, she got tangled in her oxygen hose again, and this time suffered a spiral fracture of her left femur, on the same side as her shoulder break.  This time she couldn’t come home from the emergency room.  She stayed in the hospital for several days while we were told to look for a nursing home with a rehabilitation program.  On Christmas night she called at midnight, telling my husband she needed him to come and get her, because the people there were trying to kill her.  He calmed her down and we spent the rest of night dreading what was ahead.

Finding a decent nursing home was not an easy task.  Highly recommended to us, the first one we visited smelled of urine right inside the front door.  It was obviously a poorly maintained facility with walls needing paint and doors needing fixing.  An old woman was wandering around with only a shirt on and none of the staff seemed concerned.

I was not doing well through this process … panic attacks, bouts of crying, and deeply felt grief for my mother and myself.  My husband, bless his heart, kept up the search for a facility and found one that didn’t smell, was fairly new and seemed pleasant enough.  I visited and was cheered a bit by the plate of chocolate chip cookies that greeted visitors by the front door.  The rooms were clean, the patients seemed fairly happy and it was a mere 5 minutes from our home.  Regrettably, it and another facility were to be her homes for the next five months.  She died on May 21, 2007.

My Mother’s Christmas Tree

It is at this time of year, when it’s time to haul out the decorations, that my  heart is flooded with so many memories.  This little Christmas tree was made by my mother many years ago when I was in highschool.  The tree structure itself is a large pine cone,  the decorations consist of other plant materials like acorns and seed pods of every description.  She also included shells from the shores of Long Island Sound where we lived at that time.  There are tiny birds that she fashioned from a mix of paper and glue and then painted.  It is one of those treasures I have kept to remind me of the legacy that she and my father left for me, my brothers and those who follow.

Both of my parents were artists, though my mother had no formal training and never graduated from highschool.  She was always creating things either in the garden, the kitchen or in the dining room where her craft and art supplies often were piled on the table.  She was a quilter and spent her last years making collages from a variety of papers and odds and ends that she gathered.

My father was an architect and master cabinetmaker/builder.  We have several pieces of furniture that he made, including a lovely very contemporary looking piece that he crafted as a young man and was said to have been exhibited at the World’s Fair in New York in 1939. Both he and my mother are the source of the artistic gifts that my brothers and I have inherited.

My brother Zed,  who lives in Vermont, has incredible writing skills, though I don’t think he really believes it.  His head is always filled with brilliant ideas and little inventions made from an assortment of used objects he finds hither and yon.  He’s now learning again to play the accordion which he loved to play as a small boy.

Our youngest brother Reid, was a fabulous artist, especially with pen and ink, as well as a master carpenter who could build just about anything.  He created unique bird cages from twisted tree branches and many other pieces often humorous, always breath-taking.  As a musician he was known for his raspy voice, his bluesy guitar style,  his expressive craggy face and twinkling blue eyes.  He had a deep connection to the natural world and harvested wild mushrooms from the woods of New Hampshire, selling them to restaurants and retailers in New England.  We lost him to cancer and its complications this past June.

I have always been interested in the visual arts and writing.  At the moment I am really taken up with my writing, but intend to get back to my painting as well.  Back in my earlier years, as a hippie :), I was a weaver, spinner and natural dyer using wool and mohair from the backs of my own sheep and Angora goats.  I’ve worked in fine art photography and have exhibited that work across the country.  I’m not sure I have any musical gifts.  I hated piano lessons as a kid but have always loved to sing.  I recall that when I was in eighth grade, I wanted to be a singer, but that passed with my other childhood fantasies of being a circus trapeze artist and an olympic ice skater.

My husband, a very warm-hearted man, is also an artist.  He is an actor, director and a writer.  He plays the tin whistle, guitar and loves to sing.  As a teacher, he’s taught highschool and college level students and will be teaching a class in Script Analysis, during the coming spring semester at UVA.  He has written several plays and musicals that have been produced in several area theatrical venues.

Our children, both adults and long gone from home, are also artists.  Lisa is working as a life/creativity coach in North Carolina.  Her artwork includes paintings on wood using pyrography, a wood burning technique.  You can occasionally see some her work on her blog at Sacred Circle Creative Life listed on my blog roll.  She is also a writer and a musician.  When she was 5 years old she taught herself to play the piano and for years refused the lessons we offered to pay for. When we finally talked her into it, she became very bored.  She moved on to the guitar and became a singer/songwriter in her twenties.

Mark is a second grade teacher at a nearby elementary school and also a musician. I don’t know exactly how many instruments he plays now, but it’s a handful, including the banjo, guitar and mandolin.  He started in highschool playing classical music on alto sax, which lead me to fall head over heels with that instrument especially when played by the great jazz giants.  He writes some awesome poetry and he can widen some eyes as a stage magician.

Both of my grandkids are continuing the artistic line.  Noah, age 7, is very interested in dance while Zoe, age 10, wants to be a writer.  They are very fortunate to attend a charter school that is dedicated to the arts.

These are the things I contemplate now as I sit and look at this little Christmas ornament.  I often yearn to revisit those early Christmas mornings, when my brothers and I would wake up before the sun to see if Santa had returned after a year filled with our mischief.  He always did, no matter how bad we had been.  My parent’s faces were alway aglow with excitement, as most parents would be, when their children get pulled into the magic of Christmas and its various meanings.

I think that it was after I discovered who Santa really was and my parent’s lives started getting rough around the edges, that I began to lose interest and started dreading the arrival of the holidays.  But the spirit was revived when Bill and I had our own kids, and now that we have grandchildren, the magic stays alive despite the commercialism of the season, when we can be with them for the holidays, as we will this year.